Each time I try to write a new blog post, the words just won’t come. It is said to be Laylat al-Qadr tonight – the night of destiny. It’s believed that on this holy night God writes what is in store for each of us. Muslims make extra prayers and ask for what they desire in hope that it will be granted. Yet, I can’t bring myself to ask for a child because if God is closer to me than my pulmonary artery then surely He feels this pain as His own? Surely the pain, the tears and perseverance over the last five years have been my silent prayer.
On the one hand I need to have faith that everything happens for a reason, that there’s something to learn from this pain. I need to accept that there’s a chance that perhaps children aren’t in my destiny right now… or ever. As my father says, “events take place in God’s time, not in your time.” On the other hand I need to pray, ask and fight for what I want. It is proving difficult to do both. Hope takes a beating each month and my soul struggles to hold onto God.
It is easier to not dwell on the past, to not think about the future and what might be written. To just focus on the present. So on that note I’m off to bed, leaving destiny and all my worries with God.
I opened Pandora's box and infertility entered my life.
Lovely post. I am right there with you: asking God for what I want, letting go of my own will and trusting in my Higher Power, and trying to live in the present moment. Hope you get a good night’s sleep and an answered prayer.
And I genuinely wish the same for you. Thank you for leaving a lil note. It’s always nice to virtually hold someone else’s hand on this journey.
Reblogged this on http://www.yallaah.wordpress.com.
To focus on the present, so easy to forget. Thank you for the reminder. Warm thoughts coming your way as you navigate letting go and trust what path is to be.
Thank you, Marwil. Focusing on the present seems to be the best way to cope.
I have missed you, Mina! So glad to see you back. I struggle with the same thing. I go back and forth. I really love that last bit you wrote – so true. Hugs xoxo
I’ve missed you too and I have been passively keeping up with your posts. I just needed a break from blogging and to be honest it’s been really good not obsessing over it this month. I feel healthier and happier because of it. Next week I’m going to catch up with commenting and shall virtually pounce you then. Huge hug x
That’s good – a break is needed sometimes. Glad you are feeling better!
Hugs to you!
really beautiful post. Really! I wish Id read it yesterday.
That’s what I thought when I read your post.. that’s why I had to quote that para.