Each time I try to write a new blog post, the words just won’t come. It is said to be Laylat al-Qadr tonight – the night of destiny. It’s believed that on this holy night God writes what is in store for each of us. Muslims make extra prayers and ask for what they desire in hope that it will be granted. Yet, I can’t bring myself to ask for a child because if God is closer to me than my pulmonary artery then surely He feels this pain as His own? Surely the pain, the tears and perseverance over the last five years have been my silent prayer.
On the one hand I need to have faith that everything happens for a reason, that there’s something to learn from this pain. I need to accept that there’s a chance that perhaps children aren’t in my destiny right now… or ever. As my father says, “events take place in God’s time, not in your time.” On the other hand I need to pray, ask and fight for what I want. It is proving difficult to do both. Hope takes a beating each month and my soul struggles to hold onto God.
It is easier to not dwell on the past, to not think about the future and what might be written. To just focus on the present. So on that note I’m off to bed, leaving destiny and all my worries with God.