My temperature went through the roof because of the flu. It was a lovely peak to see on my graph since I don’t usually peak like that post-ovulation. On Wednesday afternoon I sat on my sofa, snuggled under a blanket with tissues around me and as I did I Googled obsessively.I could have been hired as a tech geek on CSI for the intensity in which I was working that search engine and discovering other people’s stories.
I wanted to find women who suffered the flu after ovulation and later discovered they were pregnant. I wanted to fool myself into believing I could be one of them. I searched all 11 pages of Two Week Wait’s symptoms list, browsed through at least five forums and clicked, clicked, clicked.. until I realised how stupid I was being.
I know that once this bug passes my temperature will plummet from its beautiful height… as will my positivity. I can already feel the shivers as the endogenous pyrogens run away (yep I’ve been Googling fevers lol!) I still don’t want to face it and so I refuse to plug in my Duo Fertility device this next week.
Then today I realised that when I give up work in three weeks, the loss is going to bite- no job and likely no pregnancy. I should be embracing the new approaching chapter. I should focus on preparing the nursery (my body) as I intended. But coulda.. shoulda.. woulda. All I see ahead of me is a path of uncertainty and this isn’t feeling like The Goonies. This adventure doesn’t leave me assured I’ll find some gold.
I know I can’t play fool. I’ve put on my fools mask and done this dance too many times. You know the one where you hop around in front of the mirror entertaining yourself with ‘Is that a twinge down there?’, ‘My breasts do feel a bit fuller’, ‘I’m so hungry.. this is odd.’ It was worse when I was fighting with high prolactin levels. Then I felt pregnant all the time.
Still, a pat on the back for me for getting through the cystitis without any antibiotics or herbal tea and getting through the fever without any medication this week. Now all I can do is hang up my mask, grab my imaginary tiger with its positive stripes (symbolises the strong part of me) and prowl with him down along that magical path of uncertainty.