Playing the fool & telling myself to suck it up #infertility

The Fool by Poisondlo

Tarot 0: The Fool by ~poisondlo – please click to view artist’s page

My temperature went through the roof because of the flu. It was a lovely peak to see on my graph since I don’t usually peak like that post-ovulation. On Wednesday afternoon I sat on my sofa, snuggled under a blanket with tissues around me and as I did I Googled obsessively.I could have been hired as a tech geek on CSI for the intensity in which I was working that search engine and discovering other people’s stories.

I wanted to find women who suffered the flu after ovulation and later discovered they were pregnant. I wanted to fool myself into believing I could be one of them. I searched all 11 pages of Two Week Wait’s symptoms list, browsed through at least five forums and clicked, clicked, clicked.. until I realised how stupid I was being.

I know that once this bug passes my temperature will plummet from its beautiful height… as will my positivity. I can already feel the shivers as the endogenous pyrogens run away (yep I’ve been Googling fevers lol!)Β I still don’t want to face it and so I refuse to plug in my Duo Fertility device this next week.

Then today I realised that when I give up work in three weeks, the loss is going to bite- no job and likely no pregnancy. I should be embracing the new approaching chapter. I should focus on preparing the nursery (my body) as I intended. But coulda.. shoulda.. woulda. All I see ahead of me is a path of uncertainty and this isn’t feeling like The Goonies. This adventure doesn’t leave me assured I’ll find some gold.

I know I can’t play fool. I’ve put on my fools mask and done this dance too many times. You know the one where you hop around in front of the mirror entertaining yourself with ‘Is that a twinge down there?’, ‘My breasts do feel a bit fuller’, ‘I’m so hungry.. this is odd.’ It was worse when I was fighting with high prolactin levels. Then I felt pregnant all the time.

Still, a pat on the back for me for getting through the cystitis without any antibiotics or herbal tea and getting through the fever without any medication this week. Now all I can do is hang up my mask, Β grab my imaginary tiger with its positive stripes (symbolises the strong part of me) and prowl with him down along that magical path of uncertainty.

I opened Pandora's box and infertility entered my life.

Tagged with: , , , , , , , , , , , ,
Posted in Duo Fertility, Emotions + Coping, Work Life Balance
8 comments on “Playing the fool & telling myself to suck it up #infertility
  1. marwil says:

    Oh dear, you are not alone in fooling yourself into believing things. Sorry to hear you are sick, hope you have a restful weekend ahead. I was wondering when you are leaving work by the way. Hope you still feel it’s the right thing to do.

    • It’s nice to know I’m not the only crazy one out there. I need to block all search engines for these two weeks in the month!

      There have been moments where I’ve wanted to backtrack and push on with work but this last week has shown my body needs some TLC. Being unemployed terrifies me but as long as I know it’s just a phase and make a plan, I think I’ll manage it. However, it’s easy to sound strong, less so to put it into daily actions. You know what I fear most? Depression. Hopefully I’ll ride above it though.

      P.s I loved your lil Samuel necklace.

      • marwil says:

        It’s tough, and the sadness is there work or not I guess. I’m not working, well, except for having the dogs here and that’s enough to handle for me right now. Go easy on yourself and if you want something to do there’s plenty of volunteer work or maybe some part time job. But take some time off as planned and see where it leads you.

      • It’s easy to get frustrated- wouldn’t it be nice if it all just fell into place? That’s hoping for a miracle :/ Your advice is really helpful and I plan to take it. Thank you x

  2. Mo says:

    Oh this sounds familiar.
    Dr. Google is the enemy. I would advise you stay away from it like the plague but then I’d be a hypocrite. I’m a google fiend when it comes to everything TTC. it’s sad, really.
    Keep riding the optimism train! it’s all we can do. πŸ™‚

  3. LisaB says:

    I can really relate to all of that! I have spent a lot of time searching charts and google. I think it’s good to hold onto some hope and think that maybe the twinges and what-not are a good sign. It helps to keep going. Keeping my fingers and toes crossed for you!

    • That’s so true – about having something to hold onto. I know for sure that I’m just suffering a fever from this flu – the coughing fits today were a sign of that. I guess there’s always next month πŸ™‚ x

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A potent spell. All women alike
Fight fiercely for a child.

~ Euripides, Iphigenia in Aulis, c. 405 B.C.

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