Did you put a timer on when you’d have your first child?

Seven years ago I told my two bestfriends from Uni, that I’d be pregnant at their weddings. I remember the exact moment I said it and I’m surprised that the universe didn’t capture it and put it into motion. I guess it had other plans. I didn’t bank on their weddings being seven years later. I hoped I’d be pregnant at each of their weddings (meaning two children.. how naive and greedy I am) and here I am preparing my camera for wedding no.1 today. No child. No pregnancy. Just svelte me dressed in flowy coral Islamic dress and wearing a smile that’s for my friend’s happiness and to hide my own pain.

Every aspect of my being was challenged: my self-worth, my femininity, my profession, my marriage, my faith. – Randine Lewis, The Infertility Cure

Last night at the henna party, the bride’s mum told me I better have a baby soon. I caught my bestfriend cringing at her mother and nudging her with an elbow. I’m used to being told what to do by elders now. I wanted to reply ‘Sure, I’ll just go home and conceive one right now.’ If only it was that easy. Women in scarves asked me if I’m married, then nodded and smiled approvingly when I said ‘Yes, for 8 years!’ Only to go silent when I answered their question, ‘Do you have any children?’ I’d like to have answered ‘No, I feel like my heart is made of glass and God’s stomping on it but you’d all say to me this is a test and that I ought to accept it.’ I’m not religious but I was given an Islamic education so the religion is woven in my heart. I feel a connection. I need to work on my relationship with God – however weak my deen (faith) might have become. My bestfriend sat with her single Muslim girl friends and told them God does things in his time, not ours – a saying my father once told me too.  She hadn’t expected to meet her husband-to -be so quickly. However, it’s easier to say it when you’re on the other side. All the times she’d be on the phone to me in despair over not meeting someone to share life with, I’d say ‘Stop looking and he’ll appear.’ Maybe I should be doing that with infertility?

The next wedding is in August. Chance of being pregnant by then? I’d have to believe in a miracle. Truth is I’m dreading the next couple of years- I can’t help but feel that again I’m going to be left behind and standing in Baby Gap buying presents for baby showers…for cute little beings that aren’t mine. Just as the bride’s single friends might be feeling left behind as she steps into married life.

They’ve created the film Bridesmaids for single women, Expecting for all those expecting and mums.. well they ought to create a one for us Infertiles! I could do with a good movie to help me laugh through my sadness at the end of this day.

I opened Pandora's box and infertility entered my life.

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Posted in Emotions + Coping, Religion + Spiritual
14 comments on “Did you put a timer on when you’d have your first child?
  1. LisaB says:

    This is a great post! I can relate! I thought for sure I’d at least have 1 child by 30. I’ll be turning 30 in a few months though. 😦 I get a lot of questions and statements too like “why don’t you have kids yet” or “you should hurry and have them now”! It stings.

    I wish there was a movie, too! That’s a great idea!

    I am similar with my faith. I have gotten more into my relationship with my higher power the past couple years, but before then I didn’t have one. It’s difficult when you’re faced with so much heartache to believe that there is a purpose or a plan. I always tell myself that there must be some reason….or that we will be blessed beyond our wildest dreams, after having to go through so much. I sure hope so anyway!

    I really hope it happens for you soon. I do believe in miracles. Big hugs to you! xo

    • Dear God,

      Please give Lisa a strong healthy pregnancy for her 30th birthday. We all need you to do your magic and wrap up that gift only the way you can.

      Yours sincerely,

      Mina (you know the one that likes to talk to birds on her way to work)

  2. queenelizabethi says:

    I had originally said I wanted to be married about three years before we had kids, so we could enjoy some time together before things totally changed. Then, we decided we didn’t want to wait that long, and now here we are after 2.5 years of trying with no results. Our fourth wedding anniversary will be this November.
    I’m sorry it hasn’t happened for you yet. It’s so hard to just let go and stop looking for a baby!! August is the time-frame I’m hoping for also; we are going on vacation with the extended family for a week and it would be so cool to be able to tell everyone at that time. Good luck to you, it would be so great if you were pregnant for this next wedding 🙂

    • I want to sprinkle luck all over us. I really hope you get your lucky strike in August. I know I need to be realistic and not think that some divine power is going to take pity on me but it’s nice to dream.

      I saw the August bride-to-be at the wedding today. She said she originally thought she’d wait 2-3 years before trying but I told her to start in year 2. After hearing my issues, she agreed she’d start in year 2.

      Anyhow.. luck luck luck.. I just want to send out crazy messages to God.. the universe and all higher powers in hope that the stars will fall into place and one will grow in our wombs.

  3. I’d love to see a movie like that, What to Expect When You Have Trouble Expecting.

  4. Mimi says:

    I can relate as well. 🙂 We’ve been trying and it’s been hard, when everyone is asking why we don’t have babies yet. And to be surrounded by pregnant friends who were married only less than 6-8 months ago…pretty soon I’ll be the person at the Baby Gap buying their shower presents.

    It’s hard not to feel discouraged, but I have to trust that things will work out. “In God’s time” has kind of become my mantra and my solace; there will only be so much that can be done for me with fertility treatments in the coming weeks and months…the rest is up to God.

    Prayers and good vibes to everyone who’s TTC — I hope this is a good season for everyone who want to have babies!! 🙂

    And if that script ever gets written, I’d totally love to see the product! Movies? Webisodes? Maybe even comic strips? 🙂

    • I think I’ll borrow your mantra. It’s just I think in the infertility process, I lost my faith instead of it becoming stronger. It’s now harder to regain it. I need to find peace with God.

      Maybe I’ll start writing that script. I need to see the movie first.. just not sure I could subject myself to two hours of pregnant women and apparently a miscarriage is part of the story.

      P.s nice to virtually meet you!

  5. Nazzy says:

    Hi Mina. It was a great post. I am not married, single and looking to find someone. Its amazing how we all have deep, hurting problems. To each their own pain. I just wanted to let you know that maybe the answer to your solution is maybe to get more religious. Maybe God is testing you so that you turn to Him, not go the other way. Have you tried making dua? Check out this post by Yasmin Mogahed. She is an absolutely beautiful writer and I love reading her blogs. Here is an excerpt. 🙂

    ” “And We did not send a prophet in a town but We overtook its people with distress and affliction in order that they might humble themselves (reach a state of tadaru’).” (Qur’an, 7:94)

    Here, Allah says that the purpose of the affliction is for you and I to reach a state of tadaru. Tadaru is humility before Allah – but it is not just humility. To understand the concept of tadaru, imagine yourself in the middle of an ocean. Imagine that you are all alone on a boat. Imagine that a huge storm comes and the waves become mountains surrounding you. Now imagine turning to Allah at that point and asking for His help. In what state of need, awe, dependency and utter humility would you be in? That is tadaru. Allah says that He creates conditions of hardship in order to grant us that gift. Allah does not need to make things hard for us. He creates those situations in order to allow us to reach a state of closeness to Him, which otherwise we’d be unlikely to reach.
    If we are facing this hardship today and not being pushed to tadaru’, then we have missed the point. If we are not being pushed to our knees praying, crying, pleading to Allah, then we have not found the purpose of all that is happening. That priceless state of humility, nearness and utter dependence on Him is what Allah is blessing the Egyptian with today. If you’ve missed it, you’ve missed the point.

    Allah mentions another purpose for these hardships and struggles. He says:
    “And We divided them throughout the earth into different groups. Of them some were righteous, and of them some were otherwise. And We tested them with good [times] and bad that perhaps they would return [to obedience].” (Qur’an, 7:168).

    We were asleep, and Allah chose to wake us. We were dead and Allah wants to give us life.When a body is in a deep, deep slumber—a coma—it is only out of His infinite mercy that He sends a wakeup call. It is only from His infinite mercy that He sends to us life where there was once only death. We were heedless, so He sent us a sign. We were asleep, so he woke us up. We worshiped this life, and preferred our material possessions to the liberation of a soul attached to, and afraid of nothing but Him—so He freed us.””


    • Your comment arrived at such a spooky moment. I’ll email you to explain properly. Thank you for sharing Yasmin’s blog. No, I haven’t made duas. Words are stuck in my throat. It’s time I do though.

      “Indeed my Lord is with me, He will guide me through.”

      • Nazzy says:

        Thanks I am glad. Why is it a spooky moment? Yeah please do email me. I have got some good evidence based diet-related suggestions for fertility. Would you like me to email them to you /write about them somewhere, maybe comment on a related thread?

      • Hey there! That would be really great of you to do. I’ll drop you an email today. I’ve been meaning to share what I’ve learned so far about nutrition and your expertise is very welcome.

  6. dFashionFanatic says:

    I feel your pain. I know all too well. Just celebrated my 9th year anniversary and still no baby yet.

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Oh, what a power is motherhood, possessing
A potent spell. All women alike
Fight fiercely for a child.

~ Euripides, Iphigenia in Aulis, c. 405 B.C.

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