I don’t know if anyone else is feeling this way with their infertility journey but no matter how positive I try to be, I’m experiencing four seasons in one day. I want my mind to be in a state of sunshine and poppy meadows, not howling storms and crashing waves. No matter how many times I hear news of pregnancies, see friends and family with their children, listen to others plan their pregnancy – it just doesn’t get any easier. I try.. God knows I try. I wear a smile and I engage in the conversation but I am numb to the core.
I’ve noticed recently that my digital camera has become a therapeutic tool. I lift it up and take snaps of my friend’s children or other objects during the conversation. It’s as if the lens offers protection from the pain. It stops me from feeling and the tears from flowing. I become detached. The numbness isn’t good and I’ve done tapping therapy to work through it (which requires a post of its own). As a result of the therapy, the emotions are running wild and I’m finding it hard to rein them in.
An example of my crazy emotions
Take scenario one – I attend my sister’s wedding dress fitting at a beautiful store in West London. Browsing through all the dresses is dreamy and leaves me feeling all whimsical and romantic. As my sister tries on dress number four she goes on to say, ‘Oh this is a Christening dress! Maybe for the end of the year. That’s when we’ll be trying for a baby.’ I stood there awkwardly and in silence. Only a few days earlier she had announced her plans to me on the phone and not knowing how to react I simply said, ‘Well, you better start looking after yourself and keep off the booze!’ To which she replied, ‘As if I’ve had trouble with that in the past.’ Meaning her lifestyle was pretty wild when she had baby number one.
During the phone call I turned numb, I blocked it out and shrugged it off but as I stood there surrounded by wedding dresses, I felt like walking out and running.. anywhere.. in any direction across London. I got through the afternoon by lifting up my camera and snapping away – blocking out the pain by capturing someone else’s happiness (which seems to be a common theme this year). When I got home I crumbled. My sister is blinded with her own happiness that she’s forgotten my pain and struggle. She’s forgotten that right now I bruise very easily.
What happened to dreams coming true?
Watching her dream has only reminded me of the nightmare I’m living, and my lost dreams. I am sad inside and it’s so very hard to wear a smile for anyone right now – and feeling this way just makes me feel like the worst person in the world. I seriously need to find a way to process these instances without falling into mental chaos. Why oh why doesn’t this get any easier?