Day 3.. of work

I keep yo-yoing between states of ‘OMFG I’m so tired, I definitely can’t deal with this anymore’ and ‘I’m going to miss my job and I could be achieving so much more.’

My body and mind are still on different ends of the spectrum. After presenting my work this morning, I’m definitely leaning towards the missing my job state. It feels good to have produced something.

I want motherhood but really there’s no guarantee I’ll get it. Putting my life on hold to give my body time to recover bites. I want to be out there, leaving my mark – achieving .. I guess it’s because I know how to do it. There’s a path to follow. Maybe it’s the easy option?

Getting my ovaries to behave isn’t so easy. I’m trying the Eat.Pray.Love path but with needles, Moxa sticks, copious amounts of wheatgrass and a phone line that’s failing to connect to God.

There’s no point screaming ‘whhhhhyyy?’ at the universe any more. I need to do a warrior dance and push on. And maybe a fertility dance or two too.

I had to remind myself of a post that I forgot to publish and that’s been saved on my iPhone for the last few weeks:

Maybe it’s only coincidence or maybe we only see what we want to see or maybe .. just maybe.. there are messages in the signs.

I spent most of today alone at work since my colleagues were either on holiday, ill or out at conferences. As I put my dirty cup and glass on the kitchen counter at the end of the day, refilled my water bottle for the commute home – my daily ritual – I felt sad. God gave me a job I loved, an organisation I’d settled in and there was so much more I could have achieved in the year ahead. When I turned around and walked back across the floor I spoke to God ‘I’m worried I’m making the wrong decision. What if I was meant to be here and now I’ve tossed away the blessing you gave?’ It was just then I looked up at a desk I was passing and saw someone had pinned up a picture of a newborn baby girl. Plump cheeks and pink baby grow. I smiled and like a crazy woman said out loud ‘Well, if ever there was a message that was it.’

Dear God, Please let this move be the right one. x

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I opened Pandora's box and infertility entered my life.

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Posted in Religion + Spiritual, Work Life Balance
2 comments on “Day 3.. of work
  1. LisaB says:

    I love your “sign”! That is pretty awesome! Sometimes I wonder if I should be going back to school or pursuing higher positions at work, and I worry that I might be doing the wrong thing. However, I feel so much more relaxed right now. I do work, but my job is slow paced. There was a time when I worked 2 jobs and went to school. Craziness! I know I’m doing the right thing for my body now. I’m already seeing so many improvements in my health and fertility. I bet you will, too 🙂

  2. I hope for your sake – and for mine – that removing the stress of the workplace helps kick fertility up enough to lead to a successful pregnancy.
    Personally, it was time for me to move on anyways – there were signs of THAT everywhere. In the end, I submitted a letter of resignation, but before it came into effect they announced they are closing my office and all of our jobs are redundant. I’m taking that as a sign that I am meant to be moving on in my career.
    I can nevertheless imagine your struggle with the decision. Our job is one of the major ways that we define ourselves; it must be disconcerting to have a huge chunk of the story of who you are no longer apply. I think, though, that if you are successful, you will be much happier with the label: “Mother.”

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Oh, what a power is motherhood, possessing
A potent spell. All women alike
Fight fiercely for a child.

~ Euripides, Iphigenia in Aulis, c. 405 B.C.

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