I keep yo-yoing between states of ‘OMFG I’m so tired, I definitely can’t deal with this anymore’ and ‘I’m going to miss my job and I could be achieving so much more.’
My body and mind are still on different ends of the spectrum. After presenting my work this morning, I’m definitely leaning towards the missing my job state. It feels good to have produced something.
I want motherhood but really there’s no guarantee I’ll get it. Putting my life on hold to give my body time to recover bites. I want to be out there, leaving my mark – achieving .. I guess it’s because I know how to do it. There’s a path to follow. Maybe it’s the easy option?
Getting my ovaries to behave isn’t so easy. I’m trying the Eat.Pray.Love path but with needles, Moxa sticks, copious amounts of wheatgrass and a phone line that’s failing to connect to God.
There’s no point screaming ‘whhhhhyyy?’ at the universe any more. I need to do a warrior dance and push on. And maybe a fertility dance or two too.
I had to remind myself of a post that I forgot to publish and that’s been saved on my iPhone for the last few weeks:
Maybe it’s only coincidence or maybe we only see what we want to see or maybe .. just maybe.. there are messages in the signs.
I spent most of today alone at work since my colleagues were either on holiday, ill or out at conferences. As I put my dirty cup and glass on the kitchen counter at the end of the day, refilled my water bottle for the commute home – my daily ritual – I felt sad. God gave me a job I loved, an organisation I’d settled in and there was so much more I could have achieved in the year ahead. When I turned around and walked back across the floor I spoke to God ‘I’m worried I’m making the wrong decision. What if I was meant to be here and now I’ve tossed away the blessing you gave?’ It was just then I looked up at a desk I was passing and saw someone had pinned up a picture of a newborn baby girl. Plump cheeks and pink baby grow. I smiled and like a crazy woman said out loud ‘Well, if ever there was a message that was it.’
Dear God, Please let this move be the right one. x