Just one thing after another: men & infertility

This is an incredibly personal post but I have to write about it to free my mind. Plus facing this is all part of the journey and I wouldn’t be keeping true to myself if I didn’t write about it.

I’d like time to stand still, so I can catch my breath and recover. It just feels like one roadblock after another and it leaves me feeling like I’m carrying the burden of bringing a child into the world alone. My beloved can’t function under the pressure – that’s right, no sex when there needs to be sex. Yet, it’s hard having to go through the peeing on ovulation sticks in silence, being the one to initiate and somehow keeping my mind and body relaxed all at the same time. Maybe I’m not taking enough responsibility? Maybe I should be leading this more?

One of those cliche pictures… that are actually spot on.

I went to bed curled up on the edge last night. I didn’t want to be cuddled. You see those cliché pictures on erectile dysfunction ads where the couple sit on opposite ends of the bed looking lost. Well, that’s how it is. I felt angry – not at him – but at God.. again. It felt like yet another cruel joke. I slept deeply, I didn’t wake up for yoga and I cancelled acupuncture. I didn’t want to socialise, be poked or touched by anyone.When I peed on the ovulation stick this morning, it decided to not show the reference line. I took it as a sign and packed away the remaining sticks. I’m done with this for now.  Soon after, the frustration finally hit home and I cried. It’s now 1pm and I’m still in my PJs.  I feel rough. The grey sky suits my mood and I’m thankful for the soothing rain.

We’re not supposed to be trying right now anyway, as we’re meant to be following Randine’s and Cannon’s 3-4 month rule for building up strength but I’m glad I did because it flagged this up as an issue. I’m also glad I didn’t start pumping my body with medication, only for us to have to face this.

I suggested he goes to see Thea, so she can help him process the pressure and find a way to deal with it. Even my “I swear by this” tantric move didn’t work (requires a post of its own).  I don’t want him popping V pills for this as it literally only happens when it’s my ovulation time. There’s a mind block that he has to overcome and I need to be patient.

I am starting to question whether I’m meant to have a child at all and sadly I’m starting to wish that I didn’t want one. I don’t know how many hits a marriage can take from infertility before it starts cracking. I don’t want infertility to take over our lives but in some ways it already has. I am jealous of my newly wed friends, they have hope and dreams – I’ve only got 5ml left in my bottle.

I need a project away from infertility and I think it’s time I find a local support group too. I need another woman experiencing this to hold my hand.

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I opened Pandora's box and infertility entered my life.

Tagged with: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
Posted in Emotions + Coping, Sex
11 comments on “Just one thing after another: men & infertility
  1. jodiepodie says:

    You poor sausage, but also you brave woman. You are quite right to ‘out’ these feelings and thoughts, I agree with you completely. You are absolutely not alone with this issue, I actually think it’s quite common when you think about it. The men have their own perspective of infertility and it effects them uniquely, but because they are ‘men’ they tend to internalise all their feelings (I realise I am generalising and I apologise for that). Therefore most men will encounter this type of pressure on their infertility journey. I am always pushing my hubby to open up, he doesn’t find it easy at all.
    Hold each other and just accept that you are at the infertility airport together. You’ve lost your luggage and the hubby’s luggage is at customs being searched; you’re both delayed on your journey just with slightly different reasons. Just keep holding hands xxxx
    Much love to you both x

    • WordPress just ate my reply. Thank you for your sweet words and for making me laugh a little with the airport analogy. I think you’re right, they do internalise their feelings and then it comes out in moments like that. You’re also right in that I need to hold onto him, show more acceptance and strength. I think I’ll throw myself into the shower, put on a nice outfit and a bit of make up. Wallowing in it probably isn’t helping.

      Thank you for always listening & responding, Jodiepodie. I do really appreciate the support. x

  2. marwil says:

    Now I wish I lived even closer to you. This can feel so isolating at times. There are some support groups in London if you want to give it a try, check out the Infertility network. hugs to you.

    • I wish you did too. I’ll check out IF network again, I know there was one in Hertfordshire which isn’t too much of a drive. I wonder if they’ll run the workshop you went to again. Btw, I’m wishing you lots luck for the week ahead with the lil 5. I really want this to be your time. It’s nice watching bloggers like Black Panty Salvation, F*** You Infertility and Michelle make it to the other side. Fingers crossed for Lisa too with her BFP. I like happy endings! x

      • marwil says:

        Yeah, the happy endings makes me hopeful too. Thanks for your good thoughts. Take care and hope you have a nice weekend despite the grim weather.

  3. talktala:_ ori says:

    So strange to read your post. My wife and I are just starting to try now…we have no idea how it will go, or even whether it will go. It’s such a scary concept. All while reading your post I was trying to think how we would deal with this if it were to happen. I loved JodiePodie’s Airport analogy. Actually rather romantic, in a way:). Brave, brave post. Hang in there, the two of you!

    • Fingers crossed you won’t go through this. Even though you’re at the beginning of your journey, if you haven’t already then I’d say you should both get everything checked so you know you’re all good. That way you can relax mentally, kick back and let the universe do its thing.

      Thanks for leaving a post. It’s really nice hearing a guy’s perspective on the whole Infertility journey. Jodiepodie’s airport analogy really did make us both smile.

      Goodluck with your journey – sending you lots of good energy! Mina

  4. Girl, I am right there with you, it’s nearly the same story as mine. I haven’t looked for groups yet but let me know if it works for you. Stay strong there just has to be a lite at the end of the tunnel! RIGHT?

    • I think an evening once a month or fortnightly could be good. I know whatever happens we’ll all be ok, there are worse things we could be facing but it still bites. I hope it gets better for you to!

  5. LisaB says:

    I’m so sorry hun 😦 When there’s already so much to overcome, it’s like SERIOUSLY?! Another issue! My hubby occasionally has this problem when he knows it’s super important. Plus we aren’t as young as we used to be. I feel for you. I don’t understand why it just can’t be easier! Sending you lots of hugs and love. I hope there will be a good resolution to this part…there must be something. Xoxoxo

    • Thanks for the cyber hugs! I feel better today, he read the post and the replies. We had a chat and I think it helps that we’re not upset with each other – just the situation. We just have to dust it off and continue pushing on without beating ourselves up.

      I keep flicking back to your blog to get an update – I hope the bleeding stopping and that you’re ok all things considered. Update soon! x

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