This is an incredibly personal post but I have to write about it to free my mind. Plus facing this is all part of the journey and I wouldn’t be keeping true to myself if I didn’t write about it.
I’d like time to stand still, so I can catch my breath and recover. It just feels like one roadblock after another and it leaves me feeling like I’m carrying the burden of bringing a child into the world alone. My beloved can’t function under the pressure – that’s right, no sex when there needs to be sex. Yet, it’s hard having to go through the peeing on ovulation sticks in silence, being the one to initiate and somehow keeping my mind and body relaxed all at the same time. Maybe I’m not taking enough responsibility? Maybe I should be leading this more?
I went to bed curled up on the edge last night. I didn’t want to be cuddled. You see those cliché pictures on erectile dysfunction ads where the couple sit on opposite ends of the bed looking lost. Well, that’s how it is. I felt angry – not at him – but at God.. again. It felt like yet another cruel joke. I slept deeply, I didn’t wake up for yoga and I cancelled acupuncture. I didn’t want to socialise, be poked or touched by anyone.When I peed on the ovulation stick this morning, it decided to not show the reference line. I took it as a sign and packed away the remaining sticks. I’m done with this for now. Soon after, the frustration finally hit home and I cried. It’s now 1pm and I’m still in my PJs. I feel rough. The grey sky suits my mood and I’m thankful for the soothing rain.
We’re not supposed to be trying right now anyway, as we’re meant to be following Randine’s and Cannon’s 3-4 month rule for building up strength but I’m glad I did because it flagged this up as an issue. I’m also glad I didn’t start pumping my body with medication, only for us to have to face this.
I suggested he goes to see Thea, so she can help him process the pressure and find a way to deal with it. Even my “I swear by this” tantric move didn’t work (requires a post of its own). I don’t want him popping V pills for this as it literally only happens when it’s my ovulation time. There’s a mind block that he has to overcome and I need to be patient.
I am starting to question whether I’m meant to have a child at all and sadly I’m starting to wish that I didn’t want one. I don’t know how many hits a marriage can take from infertility before it starts cracking. I don’t want infertility to take over our lives but in some ways it already has. I am jealous of my newly wed friends, they have hope and dreams – I’ve only got 5ml left in my bottle.
I need a project away from infertility and I think it’s time I find a local support group too. I need another woman experiencing this to hold my hand.