My mind has been in a state of chaos. In August I distracted myself by doing things that make me happy. Things such as eating a crazy amount of cake, staying up late, drinking tea, being a social butterfly and cooking. I stopped charting, peeing on sticks and I took a break from sex. Yeah, I totally rebelled and eased up on the wheatgrass too. Trying to conceive and failing at it had to stop. It was killing my soul.
I know there’s a whole journey ahead of me which contains medication and being poked but right now I’m not ready for it. I don’t have the fight in me. Plus it makes me question at what point does it stop and what does a future without a child mean for our marriage? Am I where I want to be? Where do I want to be?
I grew up thinking I’d have a house and 2.4 children. I married thinking I’d have a house and 2.4 children. Instead I have a flat and 2.4 cats. It’s made me question what I want from my marriage and what I want for myself. Attempting to figure that out has left me feeling distant and to be perfectly honest I feel like a 40 year old going through a mid-life crisis.
The dream of a family has kept our paths aligned. Will we still manage to grow in the same direction with it just being us? I feel stagnant. I need growth… movement. I need the next chapter to begin.
Today Mr.Husband admitted that all the traveling and things we do to distract ourselves will never fill the void. I don’t know how to lessen the sadness and not see it as a lost dream. What I do know is that I can’t put my life on hold. I need to give my body a chance to heal, which it seems to be doing nicely and then I’ve got to slowly find my feet again.
Somewhere in my marriage, whilst trying to survive, I lost my faith in God and I lost myself. I need to find both again… before a child enters our lives.
So here I am in Istanbul, feeding street cats, searching for God like Rumi and swimming with dolphins to heal my heart and my marriage.