I generally do really well at masking the infertility pain in social situations. I smile and coo at babies. I congratulate women on their pregnancies. I plan baby showers for friends and family. I like posts and announcements on Facebook. I don’t hide baby updates from my Facebook feed. I reaaaaallly try my best to be strong and to celebrate someone else’s happiness.
Tonight I was stuck at a Christmas gathering with couples who all have children and I was sitting with two babies near me. I lasted an hour and then I text Mr.Husband (even though he was sitting a meter away from me) to tell him I had to get out of there. It’s the first time that I’ve wanted or maybe I should say needed to run.
I feel like I’m shutting off my yummy mummy friends because I can’t do it anymore. I can’t celebrate when deep down all I feel is pain and disappointment. Maybe it’s a good thing, maybe it means I’m moving on this process, maybe soon I’ll be angry like my sister the therapist suggested and maybe just maybe I’ll let go.
The tree looks pretty but Christmas isn’t feeling merry.