Failing at having a Merry Little Christmas

I generally do really well at masking the infertility pain in social situations. I smile and coo at babies. I congratulate women on their pregnancies. I plan baby showers for friends and family. I like posts and announcements on Facebook. I don’t hide baby updates from my Facebook feed. I reaaaaallly try my best to be strong and to celebrate someone else’s happiness.

Until tonight.

Tonight I was stuck at a Christmas gathering with couples who all have children and I was sitting with two babies near me. I lasted an hour and then I text Mr.Husband (even though he was sitting a meter away from me) to tell him I had to get out of there. It’s the first time that I’ve wanted or maybe I should say needed to run.

I feel like I’m shutting off my yummy mummy friends because I can’t do it anymore. I can’t celebrate when deep down all I feel is pain and disappointment. Maybe it’s a good thing, maybe it means I’m moving on this process, maybe soon I’ll be angry like my sister the therapist suggested and maybe just maybe I’ll let go.

The tree looks pretty but Christmas isn’t feeling merry.

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I opened Pandora's box and infertility entered my life.

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Posted in Emotions + Coping
11 comments on “Failing at having a Merry Little Christmas
  1. Peaches says:

    I’m sorry you’re having a hard time :(. I’m usually still fine being around kids and pregnant ladies, but I know I instantly think “could I be pregnant right now?”, “when will I get pregnant?”, “etc.”. I know well enough that if it doesn’t happen soon I’ll start to avoid those situations.

    I’m sending warm fuzzies. Hang in there 😦

    • Thanks for the warm fuzzies. In moments like those, warm fuzzies are the best thing ever. I really appreciated them. I usually do ok too. I think it’s just the time of year. A time of reflection.

  2. theauthoress says:

    This Christmas doesn’t feel merry for me either. It’s different, that’s for sure. As I read your post I could hear my friend’s voice telling me to allow myself to be sad sometimes. I think we try so hard to have it together because we don’t want anyone to feel bad. But it’s okay to remove yourself from certain situations if they hurt you. We need to give ourselves permission to go through the motions of this journey! I hope that your Christmas will be filled with joy!

    • I hope you had a lovely Christmas too and that it was filled with joy. The problem with this journey is that as time (years) pass, I put pressure on myself to be able to hold it together. I tell myself that I can’t spend my life feeling this way. But maybe you (and others who have said the same thing) are right, maybe we do need to go through this all before we come out calmer emotionally on the other side.

      Thanks for leaving a note – I can’t tell you enough how much it really did help.

  3. LisaB says:

    I’m so sorry 😦 It can be very hard sometimes. I’m thinking of you..

    • Me too 😦 You know what it’s like. Your journey gives me lots of hope and the one thing I loved about your blog was that you always stayed really positive. I need to learn to do that.

      • LisaB says:

        It’s okay hun – I’ve had plenty of down days, too. It’s totally normal. Things can change a lot though – you’d be surprised. I’ll keep praying and wishing good things for you 🙂 Hugs.

  4. raymond1905 says:

    I totally understand that feeling to flea. It’s normal, and healthy to have and accept those feelings! Hang in there. This time of year is more of a challenge to accept those feelings then others. Hugs!

    • Hey Reymond, I think I just put pressure on myself to have it together in social situations and that I should be strong enough by now to deal with it. But you’re right.. the time of year is a challenge and not running from it is just harming me. Very much appreciate the hugs!! Thank you 🙂

  5. I’m sorry you’re experiencing these bah humbug feelings. You don’t have to be anyone other that who you are right now. You have every right to your feelings no matter how lousy they are in the moment.

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Oh, what a power is motherhood, possessing
A potent spell. All women alike
Fight fiercely for a child.

~ Euripides, Iphigenia in Aulis, c. 405 B.C.

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