I want to say thank you to those who left some love on my last (emotional pre-Christmas) post. I was or should say am struggling this month and your encouraging words really do help. ❤
A little bit of Christmas joy
I snapped out of the funk for Christmas day. My sister hosted a lovely Christmas lunch and the few hours there helped me remember to count the blessings in my life. I enjoyed playing Lego and building a Hot Wheels set with my nephew. He gives me an outlet – a direction for all the love I can’t give to my own child, to flow. My sister gave me a bracelet with a peace charm, I figured she thinks as me as a hippy but the more I looked at the charm, the more it resonated with me. Inner peace is definitely one thing I need in 2013. It’ll remind me of that.
The same day I went to visit my bestie to exchange gifts, this time I didn’t run from her baby and instead I found myself holding onto him for a very long time. I kept inhaling that delightful baby scent in his hair.
Making peace with fertile friends
I admitted to my friend that I struggled at her party when I was faced with two babies and how I had stammered when I was asked if I wanted to hold hers. She smiled warmly, I could see a little heart felt sadness in her eyes for me when she told me she understood and that it was okay. I loved her even more in that moment.
Fighting with infertility depression is a pain. It’s up and down. Down and up. There are months when I can be super strong and others I just feel like curling up and turning off the lights.
Am I ever going to know how to let go?
My thoughts keep lingering on this concept of ‘letting go.’ I don’t know how to do it. I don’t know how to calm myself inside, how to not long for a baby and how to truly focus on something else. I still feel like I’m not doing enough or I haven’t tried enough.
I spent most of today hidden under a duvet. Occasionally a hand would slip out to take a mince pie or a glass of water. I told Mr.Husband that I was just lethargic from eating too much the day before, he knew better and said ‘I know’ when I admitted I was sad. He’s a brilliant man. I don’t tell him that often enough.
I’m not looking forward to my new job like I should be, I’m dragging my heels and carrying this ‘Oh here I go again’ feeling. I’m scared I’ll end up tired and wired again. I need to change my attitude, let go of fear and I know that. I want 2013 to my year. I want it to be your year too. Hiding in a duvet isn’t going to help in achieving that.
New Years Resolutions
I think I’ll be writing the infertile’s version of ‘Eat. Pray. Love.’ because my resolutions are the following:
- Eat – Has to be a focus because I’m one of those people who forgets to do it.
- Pray – It’s helped me to hold onto my sanity and stopped me from slipping into that big ugly dark void.
- Relax – I have no idea how to do this? So I just bought a fertility yoga DVD, made a pledge to commit to the Aviva Method and just downloaded Zita West’s Conceive Naturally CD (Ok.. so I went a bit OTT but I’m a crazy struggling infertile.. this is normal.. really )
- Love – Dopamine is good.
Most of all I need to be consistent in my approach. I feel like I need a fertility coach to blow a whistle and get me moving. It’s just too damn easy to focus on the negative and to get stuck there.
How do you keep sane?