A thank you.

I want to say thank you to those who left some love on my last (emotional pre-Christmas) post. I was or should say am struggling this month and your encouraging words really do help. ❤

A little bit of Christmas joy

I snapped out of the funk for Christmas day.  My sister hosted a lovely Christmas lunch and the few hours there helped me remember to count the blessings in my life. I enjoyed playing Lego and building a Hot Wheels set with my nephew. He gives me an outlet – a direction for all the love I can’t give to my own child, to flow. My sister gave me a bracelet with a peace charm, I figured she thinks as me as a hippy but the more I looked at the charm, the more it resonated with me. Inner peace is definitely one thing I need in 2013. It’ll remind me of that.

The same day I went to visit my bestie to exchange gifts, this time I didn’t run from her baby and instead I found myself holding onto him for a very long time. I kept inhaling that delightful baby scent in his hair.

Making peace with fertile friends

I admitted to my friend that I struggled at her party when I was faced with two babies and how I had stammered when I was asked if I wanted to hold hers. She smiled warmly, I could see a little heart felt sadness in her eyes for me when she told me she understood and that it was okay. I loved her even more in that moment.

Fighting with infertility depression is a pain. It’s up and down. Down and up. There are months when I can be super strong and others I just feel like curling up and turning off the lights.

Am I ever going to know how to let go?

My thoughts keep lingering on this concept of ‘letting go.’ I don’t know how to do it. I don’t know how to calm myself inside, how to not long for a baby and how to truly focus on something else. I still feel like I’m not doing enough or I haven’t tried enough.

I spent most of today hidden under a duvet. Occasionally a hand would slip out to take a mince pie or a glass of water. I told Mr.Husband that I was just lethargic from eating too much the day before, he knew better and said ‘I know’ when I admitted I was sad. He’s a brilliant man. I don’t tell him that often enough.

I’m not looking forward to my new job like I should be, I’m dragging my heels and carrying this ‘Oh here I go again’ feeling. I’m scared I’ll end up tired and wired again. I need to change my attitude, let go of fear and I know that. I want 2013 to my year. I want it to be your year too. Hiding in a duvet isn’t going to help in achieving that.

New Years Resolutions

I think I’ll be writing the infertile’s version of ‘Eat. Pray. Love.’ because my resolutions are the following:

  1. Eat – Has to be a focus because I’m one of those people who forgets to do it.
  2. Pray – It’s helped me to hold onto my sanity and stopped me from slipping into that big ugly dark void.
  3. Relax – I have no idea how to do this? So I just bought a fertility yoga DVD, made a pledge to commit to the Aviva Method and just downloaded Zita West’s Conceive Naturally CD (Ok.. so I went a bit OTT but I’m a crazy struggling infertile.. this is normal.. really :/ )
  4. Love – Dopamine is good.

Most of all I need to be consistent in my approach. I feel like I need a fertility coach to blow a whistle and get me moving. It’s just too damn easy to focus on the negative and to get stuck there.

How do you keep sane?

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I opened Pandora's box and infertility entered my life.

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Posted in Emotions + Coping
One comment on “A thank you.
  1. Birthmuse says:

    Maybe letting go means just feeling whatever you’re feeling without trying to make it anything different, and just letting it change when it’s ready. It’s not so much hard work that way, and means you can simply be perfect as you are!!! xxxxxxx

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Oh, what a power is motherhood, possessing
A potent spell. All women alike
Fight fiercely for a child.

~ Euripides, Iphigenia in Aulis, c. 405 B.C.

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