Finding strength, being at peace and knowing that I’ll be ok

There’s something quite calming about watching snow drift down from the sky. It’s soft and purifies everything it falls on. The land becomes a blank canvas. I’m thankful for the snowy weekend and having the opportunity to stay snuggled up inside. We only see snow once a year, so eventually I wrapped up and went for a walk with Mr.Husband down the nature track. I’m so glad I live in a green part of the city.

Snow and trees

Calming the tempest (aunt flow) before it hits

The walk, the snow and the calm was needed. In a week I’ll face my period and today when I spoke to God I asked him ‘Please let me find a way to cope with it. To be at peace with it. I don’t want to sink into sadness when the red appears. I want to trust you completely. I want to be able to focus on all the great things and not dwell on this one thing.’  I don’t want to be crying in the toilets at work or fighting tears on the train. I’ve been there way too many times.

There’s very little chance of being pregnant this month. I’m strangely glad for that in a way because there’s no ‘maybe I am? maybe I’m not?’ Timed sex does not agree with Mr.Husband. I wanted to shake God and say ‘Really? Do you really have to do this? Aren’t we struggling enough already?’ Then I let go. It felt good. This obviously isn’t meant to happen right now. I poured that energy into looking after myself and keeping up with work. That in turn paid off. Fertility struggle aside, I do feel so very happy.

Fixing the nursery – mind, body and soul

I signed up for a Photoshop course to distract myself. Building my skill set and learning something new, always makes me feel better. I’ve also started cooking more, I bought a cheap £3 Gluten Free Recipe Book from Amazon and slowly our diets are improving. I can’t keep completely gluten free but I’m taking baby steps towards it. We both feel better for it.

I signed up for yoga at work – hopefully that will start soon and it’ll be a great way to de-stress end of the week. I’m trying to find a way to work Aviva Method or fertility yoga (which is basically dynamic yoga that focuses on opening up the hip area) into my week. The only problem is that I like hot showers in the evening and Aviva Method advises that you don’t shower after to keep the heat the exercise generates. Also, it’s energising. Fitting the exercise into my busy morning isn’t so easy. I should note that the fertility yoga is a DVD and it’s not easy to keep up with. :/ I fail at the whole exercise regime.

I tried Zita West’s hypnotherapy CD but I really can’t relax to it. She makes you move your hands from your belly button to another point and that movement makes me think. I’m too awake and conscious about it all.

Mr.Husband makes me a wheatgrass shot every night and he even taught me a way to take it down without tasting it. Hold your nose.. who knew?? Apparently it equates to 14 plates of salads and it’s super alkalizing. Baby or not – that can’t be a bad thing for my body. On top of that, I’ve added acidophillus into my diet. I read in a Zita West book that it stops cystitis bacteria from clinging to the walls. I always thought it was just taken as a probiotic, not that it actually combats other bacteria. Doh to me! I decided to try Chasteberry (Vitex) – does anyone else take that?

One. Day. At. A. Time.

I opened Pandora's box and infertility entered my life.

Tagged with: , , , , , ,
Posted in Aunt Flow, Emotions + Coping, Infertility
11 comments on “Finding strength, being at peace and knowing that I’ll be ok
  1. Thumbalina says:

    In the past (the month I got my BFP) I was taking Vitex. I opened up the capsules and made it into a tea. It’s very tasty and calming! My old OB/GYN (who I am 100% sure hated infertility patients–she was the Dr. who told me after I called to tell her I got a BFP, to hold of scheduling an apt for at least a month, just “incase you miscarry in a week or two, which is common in patients with your case”) told me to not take any herbs, because it will “mess” with your hormones, which is not good if you are on Clomid….which was what she was going to start me on. If you aren’t taking anything prescribed, I would read about it and give it a shot. I will tell you though, when taking Vitex, you will have a TON of EWCM (sorry if its TMI)! I also was on Dong Quai, which is another herb for women often used in infertility. That one can only be taken from CD1 to when to ovulate.

    How do you like Yoga? I was thinking about trying to get into it, but I’m so terrible at it. I thought maybe instead I should start working out, so when I get all baby-stressed, I can be productive and literally run away from all baby/trying to conceive/two week wait thoughts.

    • Sadie says:

      I wish I could say I was shocked by your OBGYN’s cavalier attitude about the BFP, but it’s all too common, isn’t it? When I finally got referred to the subfertility clinic last autumn, they first told me they believe my problem is not really getting pregnant, but staying that way. (And presumably it’d then be their job to support a better outcome for me). The consultant then said, ‘I’m going to give you a follow-up appt. in six months. In the meantime, if you should get pregnant and miscarry again, save the tissue in a container so we can test it’. No ‘here’s how to get in touch with us if you get a BFP’, no ‘here are the early interventions we can consider’…I was so shocked by that crap attitude I didn’t even know what to say, and left meekly.

      I’m sorry there is so much insensitivity in care, when that is the last thing we should be worrying about!

      • Thumbalina says:

        That is terrible…”save the tissue!”?! I know they probably see patients like this all the time, but I believe if you start loosing your compassion dealing with women and infertility, you should relocate to a different clinic or part of the hospital. You do almost loose hope when you leave a place feeling like, “wow…. I really AM on my own”.
        That being said, my new Dr., is wonderful! He wants to know the day I start my cycle, the day I ovulate, and come in every 7 days to see whats going on. If I get a BFP he told me to call him that day, so we can monitor levels and adjust them if need be. I think just that little amount of support and his enthusiasm for wanting to get me pregnant, made me feel so much more confident about this whole ordeal!

        He told me when I was leaving, that his goal is not to just ‘get me pregnant’, but to wheel me into a hospital and help me successfully deliver a health baby this year!
        I’m sorry about your experience though:( I hope you found a different clinic or dr that was more compassionate.

    • Your Dr sounds horrid :-/ I’m sorry you had to face that. I read various forums before taking vitex, it sounds as if it clashes with clomid. I’m not on medicated cycles yet but it’s good to be aware of it. Also the first thing I came across on Google was a success story, I thought to myself ‘Man! I wish I was that lucky.’

      I noticed serious ewcm when I first took royal jelly. Not so much with vitex. But what I did notice with vitex is an increase in my body temperature post ovulation (compared to my usual pattern) which makes me think it is balancing/strengthening my progesterone. I swore to myself this morn that I won’t temp for the rest of this cycle – I tend to obsess over it.

      As for yoga, I’d rather be doing Zumba but my body needs gentle exercise (otherwise I see an increase in prolactin and experience scant periods). I find yoga slow and boring but there’s no denying that after the session my body and mind feels great. I really do believe in energy flow and keeping the body warm – yoga addresses both in a gentle way. I think most of all it teaches me to love my body – baby or not.

      I haven’t tried Dong Quai- my old acupuncturist gave me Chinese herbal tea to deal with cystitis but I’m dubious about using the teas because I don’t know enough about what’s in them. The tea definitely worked for cystitis but I wasn’t reassured that it’d be safe to drink during 2ww.

  2. Sadie says:

    I have to say, my experience with vitex was mixed. I had heard good things about it to increase fertility/likelihood of conception, so I tried it over the summer but honestly, it made my cycles all wonky (spotting mid-cycle, early or super-delayed periods…). On closer reflection, I think it’s only suitable for women who have irregular cycles to even things out. I stopped about six weeks ago and have gone back to my normal 28 days. I did get lots of ewcm though, (as the above poster said)! I guess it works differently for everyone. Good luck!

    • I have regular cycles but I thought it might help balance hormones some more. I don’t see much of a thermal shift on my charts which makes me question hormone levels. I guess it’s worth a try and if it makes things worse I’ll stop taking it.

      Thanks for sharing your experience 🙂 it’s always good hearing from others on this. Infertility is so damn complicated

  3. Luna says:

    I take agnus cactus (vitex) it has made my periods more bearable and less clotty.

  4. Vera says:

    I’ve been experimenting with herbs in order to regulate my menses due to pcos. Agnus castus, Saw palmetto and a few other herbs seem to help in many fertility/menstruation issues. The best reaction I had with a personalised Ayurveda formula. I also try to eat according to its (ayurveda) basic principals, it has helped a lot. Last blood test showed a normal level on all hormones!

    • I’ve never heard of Saw Palmetto before. What’s it for? I was told to try She Oak essence but I didn’t think it was doing much.

      • Β. 'Ατακτη says:

        Tried it She Oak too, only a faint feeling of serenity, nothing much. Saw Palmetto is for better blood circulation in the uterus, a good tonic overall!

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