Dear God. Please stop strangling my soul. Love, Fertility Doll.

At the beginning of this week I was caught in a storm. I felt so forgotten by God, so mad at my friend for leaving it until five months to tell me of her pregnancy and just generally angry at myself for being in this pathetic state of limbo. I don’t think my friend trying to save my feelings, I’m pretty sure it’s a case of not wanting evil eye..  yes.. my evil eye.. pffft!

I spent Monday sobbing because my soul felt like God was strangling it. I’m a tad dramatic, I know. But that’s how it felt, plus it didn’t help that I was flued up.. or maybe it did because then I took some meds and slept lots.

This is not how I want to go into my thirties. I want and need some happiness in my life. My twenties have been one big struggle – one where infertility has dominated.

It got me thinking, what do I want from life if a baby isn’t written for me?

What do I want for myself?

That’s one of the hardest questions to answer but it’s where I need to start. I’ll be damned if I’m crying into my thirties!


I opened Pandora's box and infertility entered my life.

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12 comments on “Dear God. Please stop strangling my soul. Love, Fertility Doll.
  1. This is the first post I read that really speaks to how I feel. I feel strangled everyday…but had an epiphany last night. To just be thankful. Start saying thank you a million times before I sleep. Thank you for my husband, my family, my home, my food, my clothes, my house etc etc. just say thank you. Day by day it will help you feel better. Don’t keep thinking about what you don’t have yet. God only puts us in situations he knows we can handle…and loves when we pray to him. I pray that you will go into your thirties getting what you dreamed of.

    • Thank you for the prayers. You’re in my prayers too. You’re right and you’re not the first person to give me the gratitude advice. Being thankful does help – I guess what doesn’t help is looking at others and thinking ‘but they have it all.’ Which I seem to be doing lately. How is it so easy for them?

      My mother said to me ‘You have 99% going for you. Don’t get caught up on the 1% that is missing, otherwise you’ll forget and neglect the 99%. Just be thankful. God hasn’t forgotten you. He never forgets.’

      • You know, you’ll have your ups and downs. It just comes with the territory. Don’t feel bad about it but just keep in mind that when you’re feeling better to be more positive about your situation, but when you feel shitty and down…it’s okay to feel that and let it come out. And we’re all ears here when you do! 🙂

  2. needbabydee says:

    Hey hun, you’re not alone, I know exactly how you feel. I, too, feel that I am the “evil eye” esp since we have been trying for so long to get pregnant… Sometimes my friends even hide their baby showers from me. This happened twice 🙂 well I say, bugger them 🙂 Here’s to us in 2013 🙂

    • Firstly, sorry for the late reply! I’m slowly playing catch up on comments. Secondly, they hid baby showers from you?? To be honest, I don’t know whether that’s a blessing or not. Baby showers can be painful.

      But yes, here’s to OUR 2013. Sending you lots of baby luck x

      • needbabydee says:

        Heya 🙂 yep they hid the baby showers and I got to find out on Facebook!! I was a bit outraged at first, considering they were good friends, but I realised that it definately was for the best. It really would have been too painful! I did vry myself to sleep that night, but my darling hubby assured me that I too, one day, will have my own Baby Shower experience! Lol and I’m not inviting them- ok I’m not so harsh hehehe- damn this good nature of ours!!

  3. Kristin says:

    I am at the same place as you. What if a baby isn’t in the cards? I will be 31 in April and while I’m still reeling from the idea that I’m ‘in my thirties’ and the infertility, my way of coping is to make plans that aren’t conducive to baby. Travel, higher education, getting certified in dance and attending every party I’m invited to. Being a tiny bit irresponsible with the drinks at these parties. Making snow angels in the snow in the alley outside of a night club. I guess I’m regressing a tiny bit. But I’m also writing and trying to put my book out for the public to consume. Basically I’m focusing on everything else I’ve ever wanted to do or accomplish before my biological clock started ticking. Through the fog of my baby desirous mind, I’m trying to remember what I wanted before I wanted to procreate.

    But before I managed to actually start putting energy into these other projects, I did have a bit of a mourning period. So if you are seriously trying to see the rest of your life without baby, expect to get depressed for a bit. It feels like you’re giving up. But you’re not, you’re just not putting 100% of your energy into it 100% of the time.

    I hope you find your path.

    • I read your post a few days ago and the words have been playing through my mind since. You’re so right about the depression – I’m surrounded with opportunities to do great things but I can’t focus on any of it. I have mini projects lined up, things as simple as making bunting but I can’t seem to summon any energy for it. The heart feels heavy.

      I think I need dancing and to make angels in the snow. I think the problem is that I know I need to move forward but I’m still clinging on.

      Infertility aside.. what’s your book about? Once I’m back online properly, I promise to visit your blog.

      • Kristin says:

        I hope you have a strong support group. Because that is what really pulled me out of the muck when I was super down. The holidays were really my low point I think. There was not a present under the tree that could have picked me up. It was my husband and my friends who really helped.

        And the book is about a group of women who have to fight the supernatural. But more than anything it’s about the connection those women have to each other. Which is why I titled it, “Sister Spirit: A Modern Ghost Story.” I hope to have it available on Amazon this Spring. If I manage it, I’ll def be promoting it on my blog. 🙂

        It will get a little easier. You just have to hang in there. And recognize your situation even when you’re down.

  4. marwil says:

    It’s such a hard struggle to stay balanced and some days are just going to be tougher than other. So sorry you are in this place right now. Even if it may feel like it, you are not alone. xx

  5. LisaB says:

    I don’t believe you’re being dramatic. It’s so difficult, and I felt that way many times. Sometimes it feels like one thing after the other and like you just can’t win. You deserve happiness sweetie, and I hope it comes in many shapes and forms (including a baby!) for you. Praying for you xoxo

  6. Sadie says:

    I’m sorry you’re having a tough time and that people are behaving stupidly around you. You’re not alone though, we understand. I actually think it’s really helpful to reach a place where you want and need to focus on YOU being happy irrespective of outcomes. It’s a good start, even though I still hope there’s a baby in your future. Hugs

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Oh, what a power is motherhood, possessing
A potent spell. All women alike
Fight fiercely for a child.

~ Euripides, Iphigenia in Aulis, c. 405 B.C.

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