Another Christening. #FML

You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.
– Khalil Gibran

I have to go to a Christening tomorrow and truth be told I don’t want to go.  I really, really don’t want to go.  Usually whenever I face a Christening, Baby Shower or kiddies birthday party, I put on a smile and hide my pain. I think I’m deeply tired of the act.

I don’t think the fertiles realise how hard this is.

The last time I visited Toys R Us with my husband to buy my nephew a gift, he left emotional and I left numb. We are truly feeling the pain of this together now. Seeing his pain makes me hate myself for not being able to give him (so far.. in the ten years we’ve been together) a child of his own.

The fertiles won’t realise that as I smile and talk about their babies, I’ll be watching my husband and grief will without a doubt strike me.

I have to act strong for them so I don’t offend and so that I’m a good friend. But right now I need them to be good friends. I need them to feel my pain and to put themselves in my shoes.

A week ago I was asked to take photos for this Christening, I couldn’t bring myself to disappoint and say no. Shouldn’t I take it as an honour to be involved? Prior to the request, I was very close to saying ‘I don’t think I can come.’

Ok.. wait.. penny just dropped..

I think I love this friend now.

I once said to her ‘Your babyshower was fine because I was involved in organising it and that kept me too busy to think about my own pain.’

She’s trying to involve me by asking me to take pictures.

That means she acknowledges that this isn’t easy.

That also means my photography is probably crap.

She’s a good friend….

But I still don’t want to go.

The more I pinpoint this feeling, the more I realise it’s not about her and her gorgeous children. It’s about being surrounded by friends with their children and forced into conversations that focus on their children.

I always got by thinking ‘maybe this time next year I’ll have my baby sitting on my hip.’

Hours turned into days, days into nights, nights into months, months into years..

and this nightmare doesn’t seem to have an end.

I try not to look back but the bitterness is still on the tip of my tongue.

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I opened Pandora's box and infertility entered my life.

Tagged with: , , , , , ,
Posted in Emotions + Coping
6 comments on “Another Christening. #FML
  1. marwil says:

    if you don’t want to go, I’d say don’t put yourself through it. Your friend would hopefully understand if you backed out. If you did go today, I hope that you are back home by now, where you feel safe, having a nice evening with your husband. Hugs

    • I read this on the day and the comment about escaping early made me smile. I forced myself to go and somehow I managed to stay until 11pm. Then by the time we got home, we were so tired that we couldn’t focus on the sadness. Maybe that’s a new strategy to cope?

  2. needbabydee says:

    Oh hun, you’re certainly not alone in feeling those emotions. I have experienced all that to the T. Hearing the words “be positive” from a fertile would probably irritate the crap out of you, but as a fellow infertile, I just want to tell you that no matter how empty your hands feel now, soon, they will be filled with all our hearts desires. Life might seem so unfair to us now, but I feel that the universe is waiting to bless us with the best. In the meantime, what I do is, visualize my beautiful baby in my arms, believe that its going to happen soon and get ready to receive it. Thoughts become Things, and soon, the vibrations that we put out to the universe, will yield Awesome results. I don’t “hope” the best for us all, I “Know” we are going to get the best, soon.

    Take care hun 🙂

    *⌣͡«̊͡♡̊͡ÐEE♡̊͡»̊͡⌣͡*

    • I love your positivity. I wish I could keep as positive as you. I wish my beliefs were so powerful that they could transform. I know there’s the saying by Coelho that the universe conspires to bring you the things you truly want. I want to join you in knowing. ❤

  3. TG says:

    I love this. Beautifully expressed.

    The irony of it all strikes me: this event where someone gets symbolically washed so s/he can transcend into newness, and here you are having to be a witness while you’re stuck in a pretty rotten place. So very painful.

    I have no advice, but I want to know that we’re witness to your heart, and we’re sending prayers for a newness of your own.

    xo, TG

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Oh, what a power is motherhood, possessing
A potent spell. All women alike
Fight fiercely for a child.

~ Euripides, Iphigenia in Aulis, c. 405 B.C.

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