Infertility & Men: Notes my husband showed me

My husband doesn’t write about how he’s feeling. Not since he wrote a diary 10 years about his trip to Egypt which he then shared with his friends proudly. Only for us (his supposed friends) to snicker at how terrible it was. We are mean. We are sorry. 

But last night, my husband showed me his pain and yearning for a child. I was heartbroken because I do blame my body. I know in truth it’s about the two of us but when it’s about magic happening in my body, I feel like it’s my body at fault. 

This is what he wrote

Some may long for a good night’s rest. . .

I yearn to be woken at unearthly hours, time and time again. . .

By a spark that isn’t yet a spark, a light that isn’t yet a light.

I say to you forces that govern the cosmos, what am I to do?

 

And then

I want to pick you up sleeping and take you to your bed, I want to clean your nose when you can’t, I want you to BE

 

That’s why Kun Faya Kun has been lingering in my mind. It means ‘Be! And it is.’

It was hard to read his words, to feel his pain but I’m glad he’s processing it all. I’m glad that he’s writing. 

It seems like such a simple wish – to be able to hand your newborn child to your husband. If only it was so simple. 

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I opened Pandora's box and infertility entered my life.

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6 comments on “Infertility & Men: Notes my husband showed me
  1. hopingonhope says:

    Your last line got tears in my eyes. It is such a simple primal thing isnt it, it happens to everyone , its natural, yet, we run over thorned path , torn feet, crying soul for it. Wonder sometimes what/ whom I musy have hurt so bad that I am paying for it.
    Take care, infertility is painful and soul wrenching, you and your husband have got to be strong for each other

  2. LisaB says:

    Very beautiful xx

  3. marwil says:

    If only it was so simple… yeah, how can it be that it is for some and yet so hard for others. Doesn’t make sense to me. I’m glad he showed you his words and let you in a little bit closer.

  4. Shannan says:

    For me, one of the hardest feelings I struggle with is feeling like I am disappointing my husband. I blame myself all the time – for my body being broken in the first place, for gaining weight, for NOT skipping that cookie, etc. He doesn’t talk about it much, but I know he really wants to be a dad. I wonder sometimes if he regrets picking *me* to be his wife. He says he doesn’t and will love me no matter what, but deep down, I still wonder. PCOS has robbed me of feeling womanly on a pretty regular basis, but only recently have I realized how it affects my husband. I haven’t given up hope yet, but the discouragement can be pretty dark sometimes. Thanks for sharing.

    • PCOS and this journey does that – can make you feel ugly when really you’re one of the most beautiful creatures on this earth! I think we have to remember that conception is a cosmic process, it’s not just about our bodies but also the chemistry between two people. Chemistry which neither party has control of. Otherwise it’s too easy for us to take the weight of this on our shoulders.

      Plus you have to remember – he wants a baby with YOU! 😉

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Oh, what a power is motherhood, possessing
A potent spell. All women alike
Fight fiercely for a child.

~ Euripides, Iphigenia in Aulis, c. 405 B.C.

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