My husband doesn’t write about how he’s feeling. Not since he wrote a diary 10 years about his trip to Egypt which he then shared with his friends proudly. Only for us (his supposed friends) to snicker at how terrible it was. We are mean. We are sorry.
But last night, my husband showed me his pain and yearning for a child. I was heartbroken because I do blame my body. I know in truth it’s about the two of us but when it’s about magic happening in my body, I feel like it’s my body at fault.
This is what he wrote
Some may long for a good night’s rest. . .
I yearn to be woken at unearthly hours, time and time again. . .
By a spark that isn’t yet a spark, a light that isn’t yet a light.
I say to you forces that govern the cosmos, what am I to do?
I want to pick you up sleeping and take you to your bed, I want to clean your nose when you can’t, I want you to BE
That’s why Kun Faya Kun has been lingering in my mind. It means ‘Be! And it is.’
It was hard to read his words, to feel his pain but I’m glad he’s processing it all. I’m glad that he’s writing.
It seems like such a simple wish – to be able to hand your newborn child to your husband. If only it was so simple.