The message.

No escaping.

I received this text message from a friend I haven’t spoken to in years. It arrived when I was sat in a café with my husband, just as I was asking him ‘When is God going to stop this? End this? They say He doesn’t give you anything you can’t handle but what else am I going to have thrown at me? I can’t handle this. I.. just.. can’t handle it.’

It was in reference to us having to act guardians my nephew who has special needs. Four months of looking after a child who isn’t ours as we struggle with infertility. I swallowed it like the jagged little pill it is because I love the kid and I know he needs us right now. It was also in reference to erectile dysfunction still lingering in the bedroom. The two combined have left me .. confused.. at times resentful.

The text felt like a slap from God. A ‘here deal with this too.’

I’m losing faith.

I don’t know why my friend decided to break her news to me when she did.  I haven’t spoken to her since the birth of her first born. I genuinely celebrated that birth because she had lost a baby before – 8 months into the pregnancy.

I haven’t replied to the message. What is there to reply? Possibly this..

“News.. well, my infertility means I have to dye pumped into my most intimate parts next month. Oh and I’m getting fish to fill the void of not having a child. Congrats on baby no.2!”

I feel awful because I can’t bring myself to reflect the excitement that’s in that text. I don’t have the strength to disguise my pain anymore.

I distract myself with a million things. I sell the childless life to myself and imagine all the great things I could do. Dance tango in Buenos Aires, kick ass at my job, buy a beautiful home with the dining table I’ve always dreamed of having..

… but  as my husband pointed out: What’s the point of the dining table if you don’t have your little family sitting around it?

I am living, working hard, even dancing through my days sometimes…. but I’m not really here, y’know?

But life will go on. Tomorrow I’ll smile at my colleagues at work and deal with my responsibilities. I’ll sit and compose a reply to the text – probably include an exclamation mark or two in there to convey my excitement.

I’ll suffocate any tears that appear as I get on with my day because I am better and stronger than this. Or at least that’s what I tell myself.

I opened Pandora's box and infertility entered my life.

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Posted in Infertility
15 comments on “The message.
  1. I know when we feel like there are just too many things to deal with…we start taking so many things personally. The thing is, so many people deal with infertility, and at some point inshallah you will be pregnant and might have that conversation with someone else that you may not know is dealing with this same issue. Just ask god for patience through all this (this is what’s helping me) and inshallah you will start feeling better. Take it easy on yourself and don’t put too much pressure on yourself with it. Maybe if you can take a few days vaca with the hubs…it may help you both. Goodluck with it all habeebti…I’m praying for you always!

    • ❤ always such wise words and always so appreciated. I guess I figured that friends who have known me for a while would do the math – 9 years of marriage, no child. It was just the timing of the text and my inability to cope with it right now.

      Sabr. That's what I'm always telling myself. x

      • You’re right- sometimes we think some things seem so damn obvious people! But the Rasul (SAAWS) told us to give people 40 excuses before faulting them. Maalesh, she doesn’t know exactly what you’re going through- even though what you are going through is by far one of the hardest and most trying things to ever happen to a couple! Inshallah god will bless you with beautiful Children…and you will fill up that gorgeous dinner table with your loved ones around you 🙂

      • He had a lot of patience. If only I had a droplet of that. I think I ran out of it this year. I’m normally so passive.

        The longer this journey goes on, the uglier I feel inside and out. My reactions to this test aren’t what they should be. 😦 I should know better.

      • Honestly, I totally feel you. I felt the same exact way until we moved onto IVF. Before it I was so ugly, bitter and angry inside…nothing made me happy. But you’ve been in this phase a lot longer than me so I can only imagine. I’m so sorry for your prolonged heartache habeebti ❤

    • P.s You are in my prayers too. x

  2. I’m so sorry about that text message. I’ve also been the recipient of a pregnancy text message and went outside and cried for an hour before I could type a proper response. I hope things like this get better for the both of us.

    • I hope so too. I really do. It’d be nice to upgrade to mummy blogger status and get out of the trenches. I guess all we can do is take it one day at a time. It’s painful looking back – counting the hours and days.

  3. needbabydee says:

    Oh, hun, I know what you’re going through. I wish it could all just get better and this infertility just be regarded as a bad dream!! You are strong and the fact you’re still sane while going through this, proves it!!! Take care honey, and stay strong 🙂

  4. Sadie says:

    Sorry you’re having such a crap time, hang in there. One suggestion about dealing with your friend: if you have the strength to share, be as honest with her as you can. I’ll bet that as a babyloss mom (and speaking as one myself), she’ll be very sensitive to your situation, and it might even be a source of support. Maybe it can even help renew your faith, maybe that’s why she contacted you now…

    Thinking of you.

    • Thanks Sadie for giving me the other perspective on it. I couldn’t bring myself to say anything. I just wished her well and the focus of the conversation continued to be focussed on her. Little point on me raining on her parade – and that’s what it’d feel like.

  5. marwil says:

    I’m so sorry you had to deal with that message when you were already feeling down. Such a punch in the gut. Thinking of you my friend and sending you strength.

  6. Kristin says:

    I know what you mean. “That’s All I Can Stands. I Can’t Stands No More!” But then you find you can. And you do. And you will go on.

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