I received this text message from a friend I haven’t spoken to in years. It arrived when I was sat in a café with my husband, just as I was asking him ‘When is God going to stop this? End this? They say He doesn’t give you anything you can’t handle but what else am I going to have thrown at me? I can’t handle this. I.. just.. can’t handle it.’
It was in reference to us having to act guardians my nephew who has special needs. Four months of looking after a child who isn’t ours as we struggle with infertility. I swallowed it like the jagged little pill it is because I love the kid and I know he needs us right now. It was also in reference to erectile dysfunction still lingering in the bedroom. The two combined have left me .. confused.. at times resentful.
The text felt like a slap from God. A ‘here deal with this too.’
I’m losing faith.
I don’t know why my friend decided to break her news to me when she did. I haven’t spoken to her since the birth of her first born. I genuinely celebrated that birth because she had lost a baby before – 8 months into the pregnancy.
I haven’t replied to the message. What is there to reply? Possibly this..
“News.. well, my infertility means I have to dye pumped into my most intimate parts next month. Oh and I’m getting fish to fill the void of not having a child. Congrats on baby no.2!”
I feel awful because I can’t bring myself to reflect the excitement that’s in that text. I don’t have the strength to disguise my pain anymore.
I distract myself with a million things. I sell the childless life to myself and imagine all the great things I could do. Dance tango in Buenos Aires, kick ass at my job, buy a beautiful home with the dining table I’ve always dreamed of having..
… but as my husband pointed out: What’s the point of the dining table if you don’t have your little family sitting around it?
I am living, working hard, even dancing through my days sometimes…. but I’m not really here, y’know?
But life will go on. Tomorrow I’ll smile at my colleagues at work and deal with my responsibilities. I’ll sit and compose a reply to the text – probably include an exclamation mark or two in there to convey my excitement.
I’ll suffocate any tears that appear as I get on with my day because I am better and stronger than this. Or at least that’s what I tell myself.