Emotional bomb.

“My ovaries are not appreciating your stupidity.” – Fertility Doll

Yesterday really tested my ‘It Will Happen’ willpower. I’m overly sensitive to pressure at the moment. Something happened at work that made me travel inward and put up all walls. I feel like whatever I do is never enough – in all areas of my life. I work so damn hard and I’m starting to resent all the energy I pour into work because really all I desire is to start a family.

Last night I was low. I felt weak. My chest hurt from pressure. After a testing day a work, I went to my sister’s house to look after her five year old and the simplicity in playing Lego with him made my heart ache more. I can totally understand why parents look forward to seeing their kids after work. I bought my nephew a Lego set, he didn’t thank me as he was too busy ripping it apart. However, once we’d finished building, he sat back on his bed whilst looking very pleased with himself and said ‘I love you.’ He’ll never know how thankful I am for his little heart loving me or how he got me through the evening.

I don’t have the energy for politics at work or the patience for people not being direct. It’s really difficult to keep a professional balance right now.  I feel like I’m an emotional bomb that’s going to explode sometime soon.

I opened Pandora's box and infertility entered my life.

Tagged with: ,
Posted in Emotions + Coping, Infertility, Work Life Balance
11 comments on “Emotional bomb.
  1. hopingonhope says:

    I could have written this post myself. Work pressure and add in a couple of moron peers is bad recipe for stress. I just look forward to 5pm when I can return home and do what makes me calm. After m/c 3 , ive just stopped sitting late. 5 pm and I am out, i dont care what happens after.

    • I need to become more disciplined in that way. Were you in the same job while you were going through the m/cs? I think employers can be compassionate towards those who are pregnant or those going through the adoption process but fail to show the same compassion for those having to deal with infertility.

  2. Kristin says:

    I absolutely hear you. I feel like I’m only maintaining at my job. Not advancing, not being innovative. Just maintaining. And sometimes falling short of even doing that. I totally understand. Hopefully you get weekends off. It sounds like you need a little ‘me’ time. Sending you positive #itwillhappen energy.

    • I’m glad I’m not the only one feeling that way. It feels like some shitty state of limbo. At first it made me feel like I’m useless. Now I just recognise I’m one person juggling a hell of a lot.

      A friend once said to me it’s not a case of not having time for assholes, it’s about not having the life to waste to deal with them.

  3. I’m sorry about your stress at work. What others don’t realize is that having infertility is a full-time job on its own.

    I really like your #ItWillHappen willpower.

    • It’s an invisible curse – a pain that you can’t express. Unfortunately others don’t quite realise how hard it is unless they’re in it.

      Anyhow, how have you been keeping up? I’ve been thinking about you. I keep looking out for posts by you.

  4. marwil says:

    It sucks the life energy out of you sometimes when the pressure around gets too much. I’m sorry you are having a dive right now. Hugs

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