Mr Husband blogs on how he’s finding this infertility journey, the pressure of timed sex and erectile dysfunction (ED). He shares how he’s slowly overcoming it. We’re hoping this post might help some of the couples out there who are going through this – especially the men.
Where do I start?
Probably better asking where it all started. Infertility becomes a consuming force….so for us the 5 year journey had really taken it’s toll.
Monthly disappointment, tears, emotional twists, holidays to get away…but you never really escape it. No matter where you go, you still go there as a couple, not a family.
So September we went to Turkey, found our love again, November we went to Paris, found our passion again….but to our amazement, the fertility gods shifted Mrs Wife’s cycle. You never shifted her cycle before but now in THIS month of all months. We thought we’d hit all the right notes to your tune.
One of things that started bothering me was that sex became a matter for reproduction, instead of recreation. It became ‘ok we have to have sex on these days.’ I never did like it and on some of these days I simply didn’t feel like it but I felt I had to for us to stand a chance at becoming parents.
Then one day, I find I couldn’t do the deed. I let it go. One occurrence, it’s fine. The following day we tried again because it was within the window. I wasn’t enjoying the pressure. So it happened again. I wasn’t ready.
The dreaded question
Then she asked the dreaded question: ‘Is it me?’
Mr Husband thinks: ‘How can it be you? I just can’t handle the mechanical nature of sex like this and the pressure is getting to me now.’
Ok so now it’s uncomfortable but we put it aside and hope it’s a one off. As I said before we need to maximise our chances so we try again soon enough but because I love my wife so much and don’t want her to think it’s her. I say to myself, ‘Let’s make sure we’re ok because we don’t want her hurting’ …..low and behold, me talking myself into a frenzy in my mind removes the pleasure from my body and I can’t….again.
As every month thereafter rolls by we both want to have sex but are afraid of the inevitable heartache, disappointment that ensues so we hold back
When Cialis doesn’t work
I go and see the doctor, she gives me Cialis to help. Cialis though will only work if one is aroused. We try it and although it probably hasn’t taken effect yet, I am aroused as usual, until the point where my mind starts talking to my body and saying, ‘Right we are about to have sex’ but the hurtful memories of recent events mean that no matter what Mrs Wife tries, in the battle of Body vs. Mind, Mind wins again and I can’t even feel anything down there.
You know where this is going…. I start obsessing, it starts getting me down. Coupled with all this, I had a terrible chest infection for 4 months and my immune system was wiped out.
Mrs Wife has been very understanding and loving but as you can guess, we are both getting increasingly frustrated. Me because I am completely normal until I start thinking about what happened in the past, and her because…..well you know. Lol.
Find a way to make it lighthearted
I spoke to our GP who I have to say has been very helpful through the whole process and after explaining my situation to him, he gave me some numbers to call for places locally that could possibly help me overcome my issue. They were all dead ends.
Mrs Wife has been an absolute star throughout and she asked exactly what went through my mind when it happened. I explained it was a combination of ‘This is it, Man. This is your chance to end it all’ (more pressure on myself) and some of ‘I don’t want to upset her again.’
So we decided to try again. I had read that with Cialis and Viagra they sometimes take up to 8 goes to work, which gave me more hope so I took another tablet. We decided to have a bit of fun this time, we had a laugh and didn’t make a big deal out of sex. Mrs Wife was quite funny, and she gently told me off when I started thinking too much. That really helped because it made me feel that this wasn’t a big stage for me to perform on but simply us enjoying each other. We played, and it didn’t happen just then but it did happen later in the night because I was relaxed and didn’t feel pressured.
For anyone suffering from ED because of the pressure the infertility journey creates, don’t lose heart, talk to your partner and together you can start to enjoy each other again.