I’m insane. Why did I just do that? I went in there thinking I’d take it but then my mouth said no. The DR then agreed with me, I don’t know if it was a slip of the tongue but he said IVF and I found myself walking out without a prescription. I said no because I’m ovulating by myself and because sex is difficult these days. I don’t want to pump myself with drugs only for sex to fail me.
Yet, I’ve come home and I feel like I’ve missed out.
I’m now thinking that maybe I should have given it a go. Now I have a six week wait, just to get a letter with an appointment date. Then I’ll have an appointment and if I’m lucky, treatment will start in 3-4 months.
The waiting in this journey never ends.
I feel like packing up all my books, the ovulation kit, the spare pregnancy tests, trashing my thermometer and deleting Fertility Friend (even though I only just downloaded it). I don’t want to find myself checking the letter box and counting down days.
I’ve endured enough. I’m so tired of being in this place. I’m tired of waiting. I’m tired of life being on hold.
I need a really good cry but the tears won’t come. Maybe, just maybe, I’m at that tipping point of letting go. Everything in me is saying ‘no more.. pack it all away and just let that appointment eventually come.’