Dead storks.

I’m sure we’ve all been there. The moment you resent this journey and all the sacrifices you’ve made, and decide ‘screw it, I’m not pregnant anyway… what does it matter if I smoke or enjoy coffee or eat gluten or drink?’ I gave in.

A part of me is dead inside and I’m only acknowledging this now. Last Friday night, I dreamt of storks flying past my childhood home. In my dream, I looked up to find each one was decapitated and falling to the ground. That’s right, I was decapitating the symbols of fertility in my dreams.

Over the weekend (or erm past month) I let my body consume everything that I’ve denied it and then some. Now I feel gross.  But what it pointed out to me is that I didn’t have any fight in me and I realised that even more when I read Black Panty Salvation’s blog post about never giving up.

I need to find the fight again. I need to believe deeply in this without despair sucking me into its ugly void. I need to stop comparing and looking back.

“The secret of life, though, is to fall seven times and to get up eight times.” 
― Paulo Coelho, Alchemist

I need to get up.

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I opened Pandora's box and infertility entered my life.

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Posted in Emotions + Coping
32 comments on “Dead storks.
  1. dogsarentkids says:

    I personally don’t agree with giving everything up, aside from being “healthier.” If I had given up caffeine, alcohol, junk food when I started this, I would be a really pissed off 32-year old who just spent 10 years denying herself life’s little pleasures. Honestly, is it making a difference?

    And not to be little miss argumentative or queen bitch, but I also don’t like when people try to shove “don’t give up!” down your throat. You NEED those breaks. I would like to see someone who has done this for years without taking those much needed breaks. I don’t consider it giving up, I consider it giving in to trying to enjoy moments without all the bullshit.

    I’m 90% sure I would be divorced if I never drank and had been “not giving up” for a decade.

    • I’m a lot happier when I’m stuffing my face with what I want – my periods are even better but at the sametime I think about my ovaries and whacky hormones. And then I read recent BFP bloggers who say ‘I’ve been gluten free the last 6 months’ and my mind goes into a frenzy of ‘OHMIGAWD WHY DID I EAT THAT BROWNIE??? THAT ACIDY BROWNIE KILLED THE SPERM AND HARDENED MY EGG’… yeah totally not logical, I know.

      I can’t imagine feeling emotionally level for one cycle and not hitting the chocolate cupboard, let alone 10 years.

    • damelapin says:

      I totally agree with you. Life deprives you from being a mother – for now, so don’t deprive yourself of the small pleasures of life.
      After my 1st IVF fail, it was our 2nd wedding aniversary, which we spent in the Champagne region. We came back with crates of champagne, and I still eat MacDonalds. After all, when I see that friends who drink A LOT and smokes too get pregnant and not us….

  2. Gypsy Mama says:

    I love that Paulo Coelho quote!

  3. Get up! I fell down and realized I have been down for almost 6 months!! I wish I had someone to help me not wallow in it. Comfort me, yes, but not let me turn to this. Bad habits are easy to form, good habits are harder… Even if you like the good habits, like I do, there something powerful about being bad. Like saying “you won’t control me or tell me what to do!” But do the good things; do the good things for you. You deserve the good things. Hugs!

    • I love that ‘But do the good things; do the good things for you. You deserve the good things.’ Thank you for reminding me and telling me to get up. Somehow when I first read it, I read good things turn into good things. That’s also a nice way for me to think about it. Big virtual hug back!

  4. elaaisa says:

    We all need some time to fall and recover from the fall. Im sure you’ll soon get up but don’t be too harshbon yourself from taking a break. The stress we get from a continuous fight is probably worse than a coffee or a piece of cake. Thanks for the quote. Loved it. Especially when I still feel like I havent stood up since my last fall.

  5. Steph Mignon says:

    Get up girl! Get up! I know what you mean by giving into everything. I did the same and felt like total crap. What I realized is that I actually feel BETTER about me, drinking less caffeine, no alcohol, eating gluten-free, cutting out processed sugar etc. Even though I haven’t had a successful pregnancy YET, I did see some gains from this new lifestyle (a miscarriage is still a pregnancy). Plus, I’ve felt healthier than ever. So that’s what I’m holding on to… that in itself is helping spur me forward. Maybe try be healthy for you and only you because you feel better doing so!

    • I was definitely feeling better having cut it out. In truth, it’s all just comfort food. I feel like I need my hands wrapped around a hot cup and the luxurious taste of rich coffee on my tongue. I’m going to slowly give it up some – keep the occasional treat in and focus on blood building foods.

      • Steph Mignon says:

        I didn’t mean to make you feel bad my dear, it’s just that I’ve seen such a huge difference in my overall quality of life cutting out gluten, caffeine, and alcohol. And actually I do believe there ARE studies on the caffeine and alcohol front. And like you, I tend to be an all or nothing person so when I fall off the wagon I fall far. I’m learning to find balance (I had ONE bite of a gluten filled blueberry muffin the other day and managed not to go crazy and eat the whole thing, but it was a challenge). But I know exactly what you mean about the comfort. I’m drinking a cup of decaf right now, which is prob just as bad as regular because it’s so processed. But my god, I have to enjoy life a little! And so do. 🙂 Wish I could send you one of Sprinkles amazing gluten-free cupcakes…. I know, I know sugar is bad too… but these babies are worth the fall! xoxox

      • I finished all the coffee in the house hehe and ordered some herbal tea. I’m going to try to reduce gluten & sugar. I think sugar is worse for me with my PCOS.

        I won’t give it all up because I’ve noticed that my healthiest cycles have been those where there’s a balance.

        The main thing is to keep with it – which I fail to do.

  6. knalani says:

    I’m with dogsarentkids. I’ll stop drinking while stimming, and for the 2WW (if I ever get any embryos to transfer), but there’s no way I’d give up alcohol altogether…or caffeine, or gluten, or… There simply isn’t sufficient evidence to convince me that giving them up will increase my chances of pregnancy. All I know for sure is that it will make my life much less pleasant today!

    • It’s true – every fertility book I read about hormones talks about the effect of sugar on hormones but I haven’t read a study on it or seen any evidence behind it. I’m going to look again and I’ll share what/if I do find anything.

  7. redbluebird says:

    While I know it’s not good to wallow in hopelessness for an extended period of time, it’s completely human to do it every so often when going through something as hard as infertility. Don’t beat yourself up about breaking the rules & enjoying yourself. Unless you have an allergy to it, gluten will be out of your system in a matter of weeks. And I had a glass of wine here & there every single cycle– I just skipped it for the second half of the TWW.
    You can do this!

    • My body reacts badly to caffeine but I love it :/ I guess that’s always the way. I’m thankful for you ladies because you’ve all just said ‘chill out and be reasonable with yourself.’ I think all the fertility books just make me feel guilty. I appreciate the support ❤

  8. I feel you! Was feeling totally down so I decided to let loose and have some fun to try to get back some of myself. I admit I had cheese fries, pizza, samosas, many jelly beans and 5 million margaritas all in one weekend – but it was worth it!!! I forgot for a few days and I feel better (well better enough to suck it up and gather some energy for the more of “it” that’s coming my way). Motivation comes in whatever form you can find it!
    -M

    • I love samosas!! It’s all about balance – instead I have a personality type that either goes full on in one direction or another. And you’re right.. giving in and relaxing does help me build strength.

      • Β. 'Ατακτη says:

        I agree with you, it’s all about balance. By the way, are you still doing the aviva excs?

      • I plan to get back in the flow on Sunday. I eased up after my mid-cycle bleed because my body seems very responsive to Aviva Method. I then bled around my period time too and was feeling wickedly tired. But I want to start again and this time work through it gently.

      • Β. 'Ατακτη says:

        Fantastic, I’d love an aviva buddy to stay motivated and share my experience with, are you in?😊

      • That would awesome and very much needed!! I plan to do it on Sundays and Thursdays.

      • Β. 'Ατακτη says:

        Fantastic, for me Tuesdays for sure then probably Fridays on my day off…we can start gently to the rhythm that we feel is good and update each other weekly? I had my second Skype session today to get an idea of the excs. If you have time, read my today’s post about it. I like Aviva movements a lot!

      • That’s a great plan – my email is fertilitydoll AT gmail.com. I don’t want to write a post on it until I’m doing it continuously for 6 mths.

        Will go read your post now 😀 x

      • Β. 'Ατακτη says:

        Cheers! I’d love to have you follows blog. PM sent to your gmail just now!
        x😀

      • I do follow already 🙂 x

      • Β. 'Ατακτη says:

        Oh, bless you 😊😊😊

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Oh, what a power is motherhood, possessing
A potent spell. All women alike
Fight fiercely for a child.

~ Euripides, Iphigenia in Aulis, c. 405 B.C.

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