I know I said I’d add some drama to this blog again but I didn’t anticipate it being so soon! Lol. I also didn’t anticipate it being about this. My sister’s a therapist so she did well at breaking the news gently this morning. In return I did my best to not let my voice break while I was on the call. In a lighthearted tone, she told me to hurry up and fall pregnant – If only it was that easy for me. We spoke about IVF, surrogacy and adoption. She even offered to carry for me (sweet intention but right now I can’t stomach it).
Rewind 5.5 years ago and we were going through the same thing. At that time, she didn’t know that I’d been trying and I managed to hide it. I focused on her happiness. I even wrote a post about it ‘Infertility: The moment your sister falls pregnant before you.’ Last year I discovered that my sister was trying again as a newly wed – she’ nows hitting her one year anniversary , so it’s a beautiful way to celebrate. I’m happy for her – I love my sister to the moon and back. I want this pregnancy to grow healthy and I look forward to meeting my new niece/nephew. Yet, it didn’t stop me from crying once I hung up the call.
The news woke up dormant emotions in me. I tried wiping away my tears and telling myself this is not how I want to react to my sister’s news. That I am happy for her. The tears just kept coming, I was sobbing not out of jealously or envy but out of disappointment and pain for myself. Thoughts of the hope of my last cycle, the perfect timing of sex and yet sitting in the hospital being told I’m not pregnant just ran through my head.. over and over again. And yet in that time my sister had managed to create a little miracle. It’s so damn hard not to compare. It’s hard not to want to scream at my body and God but I’ve been there too many times. I don’t want to internalise this anger and I don’t want to blame God. I guess it just isn’t meant to be my time. Fuck.. that hurts like a bitch 6 years on and leads to even more questions like.. when is my time??
I found myself asking Super Man ‘Why does this have to be so hard?’ Initially he went silent for a while as he processed it all. He tried to find the positive by saying ‘Wouldn’t it be amazing if it happened for us soon, then our kids would grow together.’ Naturally I stamped down that positive thought by telling him that if positivity = a positive pregnancy test, we’d be rich in children. Yeah, I need to work on the glass half full. Eventually we text my brother-in-law congratulations and I managed to text my sister to say thanks for letting me know so early on. Can you imagine if she’d told me after I experienced a BFN from IVF?
So I think I will cry some more to let all the pain out. Then put on some music and let the euphoria of endorphins travel through me as I dance about the house doing mundane tasks. I’m putting together a Feel Good playlist on Grooveshark for us all. Song suggestions please 🙂 Help lift me up today.