Sunday morning update: So, I just found out my sister is pregnant.

I know I said I’d add some drama to this blog again but I didn’t anticipate it being so soon! Lol. I also didn’t anticipate it being about this. My sister’s a therapist so she did well at breaking the news gently this morning. In return I did my best to not let my voice break while I was on the call. In a lighthearted tone, she told me to hurry up and fall pregnant – Β If only it was that easy for me. We spoke about IVF, surrogacy and adoption. She even offered to carry for me (sweet intention but right now I can’t stomach it).

Rewind 5.5 years ago and we were going through the same thing. At that time, she didn’t know that I’d been trying and I managed to hide it. I focused on her happiness. I even wrote a post about it ‘Infertility: The moment your sister falls pregnant before you.’ Last year I discovered that my sister was trying again as a newly wed – she’ nows hitting her one year anniversary , so it’s a beautiful way to celebrate. I’m happy for her – I love my sister to the moon and back. I want this pregnancy to grow healthy and I look forward to meeting my new niece/nephew. Yet, it didn’t stop me from crying once I hung up the call.

The news woke up dormant emotions in me. I tried wiping away my tears and telling myself this is not how I want to react to my sister’s news. That I am happy for her. The tears just kept coming, I was sobbing not out of jealously or envy but out of disappointment and pain for myself. Thoughts of the hope of my last cycle, the perfect timing of sex and yet sitting in the hospital being told I’m not pregnant just ran through my head.. over and over again. And yet in that time my sister had managed to create a little miracle. It’s so damn hard not to compare. It’s hard not to want to scream at my body and God but I’ve been there too many times. I don’t want to internalise this anger and I don’t want to blame God. I guess it just isn’t meant to be my time. Fuck.. that hurts like a bitch 6 years on and leads to even more questions like.. when is my time??

I found myself asking Super Man ‘Why does this have to be so hard?’ Initially he went silent for a while as he processed it all.Β He tried to find the positive by saying ‘Wouldn’t it be amazing if it happened for us soon, then our kids would grow together.’ Naturally I stamped down that positive thought by telling him that if positivity = a positive pregnancy test, we’d be rich in children. Yeah, I need to work on the glass half full. Eventually we text my brother-in-law congratulations and I managed to text my sister to say thanks for letting me know so early on. Can you imagine if she’d told me after I experienced a BFN from IVF?

So I think I will cry some more to let all the pain out. Then put on some music and let the euphoria of endorphins travel through me as I dance about the house doing mundane tasks. I’m putting together a Feel Good playlist on Grooveshark for us all. Song suggestions please πŸ™‚ Help lift me up today.

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I opened Pandora's box and infertility entered my life.

Tagged with: , , , ,
Posted in Emotions + Coping, IVF
19 comments on “Sunday morning update: So, I just found out my sister is pregnant.
  1. Sadie says:

    Uhg. I’m sorry you’re experiencing all these complicated emotions right now. It’s really hard battling the ‘why not me?’ feeling that comes with a pregnancy announcement you want to be happy about. I’m glad your sister is sensitive though, and that you guys can talk about it.

    I felt all the stuff you’re feeling when we were preparing for IVF…It was confusing. But I guess it’s all normal, under the circumstances. Hang in there lady!

    I love your playlist, thanks for sharing πŸ™‚ I put together a similarly themed playlist a while back, if you’re looking for further suggestions.

    Hugs to you lady!

    • Thanks for the wise words, Sadie! I hope you’re keeping well and happy. Just caught up with your blog too but I’ll leave a separate comment there.

      I’m going to steal some songs from you. I will do my best to hang in there – one day I will get my BFP and I’ll do the running man dance in happiness. I think right now it’s just the shock of it. A bit of an ouch.

      Huge hug back – one of appreciation. x

  2. kiftsgate says:

    That’s beautiful news for your sister, but it’s really hard for you. I think you have been very good on the phone and it’s just fine to let it out afterwards. You shouldn’t feel bad about it.
    I can only send you a huge huge hug!! And a song to add to the list: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=smwj7ISnwXM
    Tribalistas, ja sei namorar
    Kinda old, but it always works for me.

    • How’s the hypnotherapy going? I was thinking of trying it after reading your post.

      Thank you for the song πŸ™‚ Added. I also very much appreciate the big cyber hug.

      • kiftsgate says:

        To be honest im having a crappy day today. Hypnotherapy helped me feel calmer but it didn’t really manage to cheer me up.

      • It’s hard to shift state when hit by the blues. Find something comforting – like a warm blanket, a film or a good book. It’s helped me this evening – along with a meditation podcast.

  3. Lisette says:

    Ouch. I’m sorry about this. Although its great you’re going to be an auntie and your sister is so supportive, of course this brings up raw emotions of sadness and disappointment for yourself. Get it all out. I can only imagine how tough that is. My SIL was enough! Don’t know if you’ve tried this but Meditation Oasis does some great podcasts that I find so beneficial to resolve internal conflict like this. Very relaxing and supportive. Thinking of you xx

    • I put on ’emotional ease’ and as soon as I got to the part where I had to focus on the emotion I fell asleep. I woke up 45mins later and felt so much better. Thank you for sharing. It calmed my nerves and I’ll continue to use it.

      • Lisette says:

        Oh yeah that’s a good one. I’m glad it might be helpful for you. One of my favs is Let it Be. Something so nurturing about her voice. I have been trying to listen everyday, it’s so calming for me. Not much else is right now. Glad it helps xx

  4. dogsarentkids says:

    I always panic when someone is getting married, because I know what is coming next.. usually sooner rather than later. Sorry it’s your sister. Unfortunately you can’t curse her or never talk to her again. That blows. But you don’t need to apologize for your emotions. It doesn’t mean you don’t love your sister and you won’t love her baby. It is very possible to feel bitterness, anger and resentment, and love all at the same time.

  5. KS says:

    I feel the exact way. I can be happy for those I love. My tears and emotions aren’t because they are pregnant, it is because I’m still not pregnant and it brings up all the frustration and disappointment. I’m sorry to you and all of us traveling this horrible journey. Hoping we all end with a baby in our arms.
    Fun song that always makes me happy. Jump by pointer sisters. πŸ™‚

    • That song really does make me want to do a High School Musical type jump πŸ™‚ I’m sorry you’re stuck on this ship too. Rough sailing on stormy waters, we’ll find paradise soon x

  6. katherinea12 says:

    It is so, so very hard. It sounds like you did a wonderful job both expressing your happiness for your sister but also acknowledging that this brings up some really difficult emotions for you. Thinking of you.

  7. marwil says:

    Oh dear, I’m so sorry you got this news now. Kind of crappy timing. I know too well how it is to watch your sister have not only one but two babies before you even get the chance to try with treatment. It hurts and it’s painful to witness. I’m keeping the hope that it will be your turn next. Sending hugs.

  8. I’m so glad your sis tried to break the news gently (she could give some lessons to my family), but still, it sucks. It just sucks. So sorry lady. Hope you are being gentle with yourself. xo

    • She was in a tough position and while I’m grateful she’s told me early, the hit was hard and it’s been a really awful way to go into an assisted cycle. I love her and eventually I’ll be strong enough to really celebrate it with her – just not now.

      I’m really sorry to hear that you lost a piece of your family recently x

  9. My sister is also pregnant again. I feel for you. My sister also broke the news gently and before she told anyone else so I didn’t hear it second hand. It was nice really….in a heartbreaking sort of way. Much love.

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