Since I bled before my OTD and my IVF failed, I’ve been stuck in orbit in a strange space of internal sadness. On the outside I’m smiling and juggling life. I’ve worn a mask – faced the sadness alone while my husband went to work on a different continent for two weeks, attended work parties when I felt close to dead inside, dealt emotionally with my sister’s pregnancy and nodded as she showed me her pregnancy app. Inside I’m so deeply tired of this six year journey and incredibly sad. I haven’t grieved properly because I’ve had to act strong and keep myself together.
Tonight my husband said ‘we’re in this together.’ I told him we’re not because he’s been oblivious to my pain while he focused on his new adventure and work. I’m all for self progression but when he said we’d become dull from trying to conceive, I wanted to KO him like I was playing Street Fighter. Apparently it was meant as encouragement that we should focus on other things.
I am filled with fear of having bad eggs. I’m mourning how badly the last cycle turned out. I’m cursing myself mostly. I don’t have energy or time to focus on other things… unless I ditch all the proactive things I’m doing to try to improve the chances of our next cycle.
All of this means that I haven’t been chatty on here or Twitter. I manage to congratulate new pregnancies because you girls out of anyone deserve it but I don’t have the strength to interact more or absorb pregnancy updates. Forgive me. Right now I just can’t do it. Eventually I’ll emerge from the protective bubble and you’ll all have me back again.
I wish you all a beautiful Christmas – whether you’re celebrating or quietly reflecting like me.