Forgive me

Since I bled before my OTD and my IVF failed, I’ve been stuck in orbit in a strange space of internal sadness. On the outside I’m smiling and juggling life. I’ve worn a mask – faced the sadness alone while my husband went to work on a different continent for two weeks, attended work parties when I felt close to dead inside, dealt emotionally with my sister’s pregnancy and nodded as she showed me her pregnancy app. Inside I’m so deeply tired of this six year journey and incredibly sad. I haven’t grieved properly because I’ve had to act strong and keep myself together.

Tonight my husband said ‘we’re in this together.’ I told him we’re not because he’s been oblivious to my pain while he focused on his new adventure and work. I’m all for self progression but when he said we’d become dull from trying to conceive, I wanted to KO him like I was playing Street Fighter. Apparently it was meant as encouragement that we should focus on other things.

I am filled with fear of having bad eggs. I’m mourning how badly the last cycle turned out. I’m cursing myself mostly. I don’t have energy or time to focus on other things… unless I ditch all the proactive things I’m doing to try to improve the chances of our next cycle.

All of this means that I haven’t been chatty on here or Twitter. I manage to congratulate new pregnancies because you girls out of anyone deserve it but I don’t have the strength to interact more or absorb pregnancy updates. Forgive me. Right now I just can’t do it. Eventually I’ll emerge from the protective bubble and you’ll all have me back again.

I wish you all a beautiful Christmas – whether you’re celebrating or quietly reflecting like me.



I opened Pandora's box and infertility entered my life.

Tagged with: , ,
Posted in Infertility, IVF
34 comments on “Forgive me
  1. Happy holidays back to you, will be reflecting, too. x

  2. GK says:

    I’m sorry to hear that you’re having such a difficult time and that you’re not getting the support you need. It’s hard to have to put on a happy face and carry on when you’re crying and broken inside. I hope your able to get some rest at Christmas and recharge for a happier 2014 x

    • I just caught up with your blog. I’m so sorry that it’s Christmas and you’re going through what you are. I really hope it passes without medical intervention. I also hope you too get to rest and recharge for a happier 2014 – we could all do with a happier 2014. x

  3. Lisette says:

    We all do it hun, we’ve all been there. Sometimes it’s just too much, so don’t feel bad about it one bit. You are the most important person right now, that self-protection is critical. So look after yourself. Just know I am thinking of you and sending you all my love xxx

  4. Totally understandable–you’re worn out and since nobody is giving you a break you just have to TAKE a break. Just know that you are wished well and missed when you’re not around. Merry Holidays. XO

    • Happy holidays to you too! Thanks for the ‘Take a break’ advice – I need to do that. Goodluck sneaking off and leaving the MIL. Hoping some Christmas magic happens this round 😉 x

  5. hopingonhope says:

    I was conplaining about eating the same leaves and boring salad for dinner because of my gestational diabetes and I remembered you and how right now you would gladly eat leaves and take GD in a minute. Dont ever ask for forgiveness, what you are going through is shitty and I hope you can just tide over the holidays and be done with it. You dont have to be strong in front of us, we can see the tears behind the smile and right with you. Sending you lots of love and peace.

    • I’m eating the leaves minus the pregnancy (new diet) and yes.. I would gladly eat the same ol’ salad if pregnant. I’m really glad that you guys understand and that we don’t have to pretend in this space – otherwise it’d just be real tough! Have a lovely Christmas x

  6. I’m so sorry for everything your going through sweet friend, and you def don’t have to be sorry. I can’t even begin to imagine how unbelievably difficult it all is, since we all have different experiences with if. Just know that we completely understand, we will always be by your side and take care of you when you need it most, just an email away. And if that’s not what you want right now, that’s ok too. Take it easy on yourself and try to enjoy the holidays with your family, even though I know very well how much this can make you go insane and utterly disconnected from the world
    Thinking of you always xo

    • Your nursery looks amazing. I keep track of your updates. The faith part of it is real tough. I guess He didn’t want it to happen. Just made me wonder whether I should push on and try again or not. Would I be excepting His decision fully if I didn’t? Is that what He wants? It’s so hard 😦 x

      • Oh honey. I don’t think you should give up. I don’t think you ever should. It’s a trial and tribulation that you must keep fighting through. Please don’t give up, I don’t think God would want us to do that xx

  7. dogsarentkids says:

    So sorry 😦 I have seen a lot more from the IFers who have gotten PG, and a lot less from the rest of us. It’s hardly a coincidence. I can’t wait for the holidays ot be over and next year to start. I won’t mention saying that last year and the year before..

    Girl – you have me under “motherhood” over there >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

    Could you kindly move me to the infertile section?

  8. Don’t feel bad for needing some space, I know just what you mean. Big hugs hon, hope you have a good break xx

  9. Right there with you hun. I find it hard too. Sometimes I feel like the only one left (but obviously I’m not). I want to congratulate everyone but it’s hard. It’s hard to see other ppls dreams coming true. The good thing is most of those people know the pain and don’t get upset when we don’t send those good wishes. What makes us a community is that we get it. I don’t know what I’d do without my twitters and bloggers. I’m here to listen to your tears any time.

    • I’m so thankful for your support. I’m sorry that you’re stuck on this side waiting too. Hopefully 2014 will be a better year for us. You know we say that people understand but there have been times on Twitter when the tension flares up after a person comments that they can’t cope with the influx of preg updates. That’s why I wrote about it fully here so there’s no misinterpretation. I think the good people always understand. x

  10. It’s natural to need to take a break from blogging/tweeting. There are a lot of BFP’s and pregnancy announcements out there right now and I know how hard it is, trust me.

    Don’t feel bad for feeling the way you do. We truly get it. Hope you find a way to enjoy the holidays.

    • The pregnancy waves seem to be every December. I find the only way to embrace the holidays is to be thankful three times over for all the loved ones still in my life. I know this period is tough for you, I’m thinking of you and hope that the day goes ok. x

  11. Sending you wishes for peace and comfort amidst what can feel like an endless sea of loss. There are no words that can take the solitary feeling away, yet hopefully you can feel the warmth of a community around you made of women who truly do understand. Hang in there.

    • Beautiful words. I feel like I’m stuck in a huge labyrinth. It’ll pass – it’s just one long journey. I really do appreciate having you all. Ps Your daughter looks gorgeous in her Christmas outfit x

  12. katherinea12 says:

    I’m so sorry. It is so very, very hard. Space is sometimes the best thing there is. Thinking of you.

    • I’m thinking of you a lot. I don’t think my pain is anything compared to yours. I’m so sorry and heartbroken for you. Sending you a huge hug.

      • katherinea12 says:

        Thank you for your kind words. I think pain is pain – there’s no such thing as worse or better in all of this – and I know you are hurting so much too. Also thinking of you and sending a hug.

  13. redbluebird says:

    Six years is a long time. I’m sorry it’s been so hard. You don’t have to ask for forgiveness though– you’re trying to care for yourself, which is essential to being happy. I’m hoping things look up for you soon. xo

  14. Smile says:

    I am right there with you on the faking my way through life right now because of my asshole shitty eggs. Hopefully now that December is almost over it will get better.

    • I just read a few posts on your blog. I’m sorry that it didn’t work out – it’s just so damn hard.. all of it. I’m dreading the next round because according to the Dr then we’ll know if it’s my eggs… lovely.

      I’m interested in hearing about you thinking about using your sister’s eggs. My sister offered hers but maybe because of pride I just found it awkward.

      • Smile says:

        I will do a post soon on my feelings on my sisters eggs. She is also causing a ton of drama right now which is potentially changing how I was thinking about it earlier. I have been exactly where you are now – after two rounds of this crap with only 2 decent embryos and none to freeze, the question of how crappy my eggs are remains. We are going to CCRM in Denver this week to see what they have to say about egg quality and protocols that could help. Will happily share everything I learn from them if you are interested (on the blog obviously, but also happy to email directly with further details).

  15. Sadie says:

    There is nothing to forgive sweetie. We all need to step back and quietly reflect (or in my case, loudly, with lots of expletives) from time to time. I am sorry that things are so rough right now; it’s hard to keep slogging through when it feels like nothing ever changes. I am sending you so much love and light right now. Hang in there, and check in with us as and when you can. x

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A potent spell. All women alike
Fight fiercely for a child.

~ Euripides, Iphigenia in Aulis, c. 405 B.C.

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