IVF – the torture of waiting

How did you feel waiting between IVF cycles? Since November I’ve been spinning in space, I can’t find happiness in anything and I’ve even failed at #100happydays. I have an interesting life filled with opportunities – what is wrong with me?

Just before Christmas, I decided to focus on cleaning up my diet (failed IVF depression = copious amount of cake) and started a nutritional plan.  I figured acting on something might make me feel more in control. It hasn’t. Initially the diet seemed to be working really well. More EWCM, strong period and less lethargy but the past month hasn’t been great. My scanty period became more scant and brown – in Chinese medicine it’s a sign of stagnation. At first, I wondered if it was because the diet is pretty strict and maybe I wasn’t nourishing myself enough but my food plan proves that I do eat enough. Then I realised that my mind really isn’t on board with this all. My mind is stagnant.

  1. I am frustrated because all my efforts seem futile
  2. I can’t imagine falling pregnant and I’m too scared to believe I’ll ever get to see two beautiful pink lines because it hasn’t happened in all these years.. why would it happen now?
  3. I am terrified of spring and the next IVF round because the last was so awful. I don’t know how I’m going to cope with a BFN.

So, I’m making an appointment with hypnotherapist in hope that she’ll help me believe I’m as fertile as Snookie.. Katie Price.. and Kerry Katona. 

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I opened Pandora's box and infertility entered my life.

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Posted in Infertility, IVF
27 comments on “IVF – the torture of waiting
  1. steph50 says:

    I trust it will work for you!! Xoxox

  2. rosiedd78 says:

    It’s SO hard to be in limbo. I was having a tough time last week, but since having a massage (reflexology) and seeing a Broadway show, I have started to feel *gasp!* happy! I say do all the things in the world that could bring a smile to your face. IMO, the diet thing always backfired on me, never brought me any success and just made me feel resentful and limited. I think bringing some joy and laughter into the picture is the best for your health overall.

  3. Nothing is wrong with you. I am RIGHT there with you. I feel the same way…but we are allowed to feel this way. It’s absolutely INSANE what we have to go through….we shouldn’t be “normal” after all of this. And try not to be terrified of your next IVF…my first IVF cycle was not good but my 2nd was much better…not pregnant yet (I’ve never had a positive either) but I’m not getting out of this year without one….plain and simple…I’m going to be pregnant this year and you are too 🙂

  4. barrenbetty says:

    I imagine you already know that I felt AWFUL inbetween IVF cycles (err, and pretty awful still now it’s going so bad!). I genuinely think I went a little bit mad. I cannot believe I started my last round in May and this round in February. The waiting is awful, truly awful. And I think it’s worse when you know the chances of natural conception are very small, or none existent if you’re on long term DR or no tubes etc. I hate that you are in the horrible waiting period. Limbo is the absolute worst.

    I hope the hypnotherapy helps and that time passes quick for your next go. It isn’t toooo much longer to wait so we will have to keep you occupied with happy thoughts and challenges in the meantime 🙂 xxx

    • Natural conception? What’s that? 😉

      I am late to reply to this. I’m going to come visit you and we can be happy (or miserable) together.

      Thinking of you and sending you the biggest awkward hug ever.

  5. Waiting sucks. Cycling sucks. Infertility sucks.

    But… just because you haven’t seen two pink lines before doesn’t mean you won’t. I have hope for you and what Spring will bring.

  6. damelapin says:

    Rofl, kerry katona. Can’t stand the sight of her… Hope it’ll work! Xxx

  7. A. says:

    Oh, sweetie, no easy answer here. It sucks. My yoga teacher keeps saying this one mantra over and over when she makes us hold lunges for an ungodly length of time: “finding comfort in an uncomfortable place.” It’s the hardest thing. For me it’s weekend getaways, retail therapy, hiking, throwing dinner parties, whatever brings a little solace. You have to find those things that help you feel human while simultaneously recognizing that you’re in an uncomfortable place that necessitates a tolerance for that gnawing absence and fear. It just is, even thought it’s not fair. Xo

    • I love this mantra. I started my day with it and it really resonated with me. Thank you for sharing it. I know I want to desperately be in a place where it doesn’t affect me but there’s just no escaping it. Maybe after the upcoming cycle is over, once I’ve have more answers… maybe then I’ll find more peace. x

  8. Dear Fertility Doll, sharing the frustration and other feelings is a way of release. I do the same! Let me know how the first hypnotherapy session went. I’m doing the same and I’d love to exchange impressions.

  9. redbluebird says:

    I hope the hypnotherapy helps. I don’t really have any authority to comment on IVF cycles, but I’ve read SO many blogs about the process and know that each cycle can be very different. Most people don’t have to go through all of this, so don’t be hard on yourself if you’re having a tough time. Try to keep doing things you enjoy, and the time will pass.
    It’s nearly impossible to believe in the two pink lines, and a healthy pregnancy, until it actually happens. I believe it will happen for you.

    • I so want to take your belief and turn it into my own faith. I will try to. I’m sorry I’ve been so quiet on your blog and the blogs of others who are now pregnant. It’s just so incredibly tough. I hope you’ll forgive me. I read quietly but I really must engage more. I’m aware of it – you’re not forgotten x

  10. In between cycles I try to focus on taking care of myself as much as possible. Like others have said, I do the things that make me happy: exercise, books, photography. I stopped using Facebook (which made a huge difference) and I only spend time with people who are supportive. I watch a lot of comedies (movies and TV), take lots of naps, and just generally do whatever I feel like. The waiting is never easy, but I hope you find some enjoyable ways to pass the time.
    xoxo
    PS. For what it’s worth, IVF messed with period a lot, and it may just take a while for things to get back to normal. In fact, I’ve been so back to back this past year my cycle has been all over the map.

  11. The fact that you even attempted the days of happiness challenge speaks highly of you. I knew there was no way I could make it. You know I can relate to the limbo feeling. I think the hypnotherapy might be a good thing for you, though. You’ll have to let us know how it goes.

    The diet thing is so hard. I think initially there’s this rush of feeling super healthy and then the first sign of stress you feel like crap again. But, every refusal of bad food is a victory for your body. Remember that!

  12. marwil says:

    The wait is hard, really hard. I think for me it was that I just wanted to know already how it would go! so, you know, I didn’t have to wait no longer. So yeah, distract yourself with things and activities you like and enjoy. Not easy but hopefully you will feel a little bit better for it. I’m holding onto hope for you. xx

  13. Crystal says:

    I haven’t started my IVF cycle yet but will in a few weeks. I have had 3 previous miscarriages and IVF is the next step. The last 2 years have been a bit of a blur now that I think about it. Distracting yourself while you are waiting for the next step is so hard so I have started home projects that have helped me pass the time. Good Luck to you and I hope the hypnotherapy works for you!

  14. kiftsgate says:

    Hello! How are you feeling? did you go to the hypnotherapist? did it help? I’m having the same problem right now: even more waiting ahead and it’s getting harder and harder to keep believing all this may be of some use. it just seems like nothing is working: dieting, exercising…. hope you’re doing better… big hug! xx

  15. hopingonhope says:

    Hey, thinking of you. Hope you are doing good!! Take care

  16. Let me know how the hypnotherapist work goes! It takes a huge amount of purposeful effort to be well and to be content when you are in between cycles. I’m there now in a way and totally understand how hard it is and how much grieving just plain sucks.

  17. thoughtsonfertility says:

    Hi! I am new to your blog. How do you feel now? I would like to send you a poem I love.

    Take care!

    Esther

    The Guest House

    This being human is a guest house.
    Every morning a new arrival.
    A joy, a depression, a meanness,
    some momentary awareness comes
    as an unexpected visitor.
    Welcome and entertain them all!
    Even if they are a crowd of sorrows,
    who violently sweep your house
    empty of its furniture,
    still, treat each guest honorably.
    He may be clearing you out
    for some new delight.
    The dark thought, the shame, the malice.
    meet them at the door laughing and invite them in.
    Be grateful for whatever comes.
    because each has been sent
    as a guide from beyond.

    – Jelaluddin Rumi,

    • Esther, I am late replying but I want to thank you so much for the Rumi poetry. I love Rumi so much. I visited Konya last year and saw his old beautiful rose garden. How different life must have been then.

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