The last couple of days I’ve been thinking about my pregnant friend and how I’m failing to cope with pregnancies around me. I’m too aware there’s a very good chance (like 70%) that this cycle I’ll be facing a negative pregnancy test or worse I’ll discover my eggs aren’t great and won’t get to even take a test. I know that at the end of it, I’ll have to lick my wounds and find the strength to get on with life – work, newborn in the family, watching my friends form and grow their families.
I also know that as a couple we’ll have to make a decision about how much of this we can really do – financially and emotionally. We are both tired. So so tired. I’m trying to live in the moment and not worry about the future but I really don’t want to fall apart post-IVF like I did the last time.
Anyhow, my friend had the 12 week scan today and I had my final scan before trigger for ICSI/IVF. We text well wishes to each other and on my way back from the hospital I bought her some flowers. I realised that if I were in her shoes, she would do the same and genuinely celebrate it with me. I am becoming my bitterness and somehow I need to stop it before it consumes me and I can’t see beyond it.
But it’s so hard 😦
I went to see my friend later in the day. We both had small plasters on the exact spot on our left arms. Mine to check hormone levels for trigger and hers to check everything’s well with the baby. I sat and looked through her baby folder with her. I examined the scan pictures when she passed them to me. I held it together, even when Super Man stupidly said ‘Oh it’s like your scan pics!’ (He meant the same black and white scans). We all fell silent and I could only reply ‘Yeah, except there isn’t a baby in mine.’ I wasn’t sure what else to say.
I think she meant well but I almost died when she started to narrate stories about her friends that have fallen pregnant by… wait for it.. relaxing …thanks to acupuncture. It was clear that she’d forgotten about our fertilization issues.
And then I got hit with the ‘I hope you’re both ready for babysitting duties.’ Seriously.
I forgive her. What else is she supposed to do or say? She means well. How is she supposed to know what this pain feels like?
This pain. Nobody can understand it unless they’re going through it so I’m going to quit expecting sensitivity from those who are fortunate enough to not be in this situation.
God I’m looking forward to biting into that Lindt chocolate bunny once egg collection is done. I sure as hell need it.