So tomorrow marks a big day – transfer. I’m planning my outfit because I want to go there feeling my best – not looking like death like the last time. I’m also envisioning how zen I’m going to be while they pry apart my legs and flash a big light into my face (not). I don’t know anything about my embryos. I haven’t chased to find out. I won’t know until I’m sitting in the room getting ready for transfer. It’s like Blind Date. I hope embie likes what it sees.
The last few days I’ve been totally sane one minute and then a nervous wreck the next. I am so grateful for the good that has happened this cycle and at the same time I’m trying to accept that a cycle doesn’t have to be perfect. As long as I get something from it – learning for the next cycle (bloody expensive learning…) or an embryo then it’s worth the pain.
I also have to stop myself from worrying about my egg supply. These embryo(s) are a labour of love – the hours worked to finance the treatment, the diet sacrifices made, the expensive supplement plan, the hypnotherapy, the pilates, the tango sessions to get us communicating better as a couple and to ease the stress, the injections, the extra effort Super Man put in – all of it was for the eggs. I did the best I could – we did the best we could.
I went into IVF 1 so naïve and expecting it to be a breeze. The reality of it has left me too scared to even hope in this cycle because I’m too aware of things that could go wrong. If this cycle leads to a BFN, I don’t want to fall apart and right now I’m not entirely sure how I’ll stop that from happening. The come down from the hormones last time had me spiralling into pure grief. As a piece of therapy I wrote a letter to infertility tonight – I got the idea from Mindfulmumatobe – it was good writing and letting go. What will be will be.
Breathe deeply. Let go. Repeat.
I won’t have lucky knickers or socks but we’ve planned our own little ritual of gratitude for after transfer. Oh and I plan to make a crown for myself, do a speech about Venus (please contribute your excerpts to add to this below) and throw a ‘I’m getting pregnant party’ with my cats* Just your average bank holiday Monday.
After that it’s all about trying to get back into the flow of ‘normal’ life. I’m praying loads for all of you cycling this month or very soon – NewToIVF, Kiftsgate and Barren Betty – I’ll be cheering you all on.
*As seen on The Switch: If it works in the movies, it’ll clearly work for me. I never claimed to be sane.
Ps All POAS questions will be answered with an interpretative dance…