I’ve been feeling on edge the last couple of nights. I think something’s wrong with the moon. Thought I’d write an update to help me process this and shake off the nerves. The Blind Date almost made me faint – if you recall IVF #1 I had one 3 cell and one 5 cell 3 day transfer – this time I blinked when the embryologist said: we’ll be transferring one morula and an early blastocyst.
Two. I figured two meant they weren’t great quality but I’m the type to obsess so I didn’t ask about grades. I was just so grateful I’d made it further than last time.
Half way through the procedure, just before the embryologist handed over the embryos she said ‘Good news the morula is now an early blastocyst.’ I had to stop myself from crying whilst on the bed with my legs in stirrups. You would have thought I just found out I’m pregnant.
This really is a big deal to me. I know there’s a chance I’ll face a negative – it’s fine. I’ll grieve and I’ll move on. But what really matters is that I’ve stopped blaming myself. In 7 years of trying to conceive, every Indian Aunty has looked at me with pity and as if it’s only my problem. Not to do with luck or sperm. I carried that blame – first due to PCO and then because my periods were scant. I accepted and blamed my egg quality and lining. In that room in the middle of a hospital in London I released the burden. I may never have my own kids. The embryos may never want to implant. However I won’t continue to blame myself.
Maybe it was the ICSI. The increase in odds. Maybe it was the short protocol and tailored level of stimms. I honestly think diet and supplements played a huge role. I had a lot of ewcm for once. Maybe on my next round of ICSI I won’t produce eggs as good – it’s all a gamble. The body does what it wants. I don’t see this as this is it. I see it as a dose of hope and motivation to get me through another round if I have to.
So as a summary: 5 out of 6 fertilised. 2 were transferred. 2 probably lacked the vavavoom and died. 1 was a slow jam and later decided it wanted to become a frostie (which I only found out later today).
I’ve already Googled ‘2 early blastocyst success rate’ and found mainly BFN stories. I’m banning myself from Google.
My luck this cycle has made me incredibly suspicious, I’m half expecting infertility to poke it’s ugly head out and present another issue. At the sametime I’m telling myself to not be such a douchebag and accept the feeling of good news for once.
Anyhow no more cycle updates from me. All I can do is munch on Brazil nuts and pineapple and wait. I’ll be focusing on y’all instead.