IVF #2: two week wait, baby showers + no symptoms

I love you guys for rooting for me. I’ve been struggling to transform that energy into my own and the truth is that I can’t function. The only thing I can do is obsessively Google symptoms and hide my face in a pillow whilst shouting ‘This hasn’t worked.’ I spent my entire Saturday horizontal on the sofa. Since transfer I’ve been in a constant state of anxiety. The hypnotherapist I saw said that I tend to prepare for worst case scenario and stress myself out while I do. Maybe that’s what I’m doing by feeling this way about this two week wait. Preparing to fail so it doesn’t hurt so much.. except it always hurts as much.

I’ve tried distracting myself – Game of Thrones, puzzles, walks, friends and shopping but there’s no escaping it. I feel like I’m slowly slipping into despair as the dreaded test date is approaching. (Yeah I wasn’t going to mention it, to stop me from obsessing but it appears I’m capable of doing that myself.)

Insanely I went to my sister’s trendy baby shower in the heart of Soho today. Within the first hour, someone asked me if I was pregnant. Apparently peppermint tea and frequent loo runs = pregnancy. My bladder hasn’t been the same since egg retrieval. It’s painful if I hold pee so I’m constantly going.I was told horror stories about child birth. One lost her clit.. ouch.

On my second run to the loo, my sister followed and asked me if I was okay. Then it all came out ‘I don’t think I’m pregnant, why aren’t I feeling anything? There’s no spotting or cramps.. or anything. I just feel fake pregnant with my stupid progesterone boobs and now I have sari fat too coz I can’t stop eating!’

She comforted me and I felt awful for being such a negative nancy at her baby shower. I couldn’t help it though, afterall I was surrounded by fertiles. I tried to make conversation but preferred to be hidden in a plate of food. Whenever someone asks me what I’m up to these days, I really don’t know what to say. ‘I’m focusing on IVF’ would be the honest answer. I don’t exactly have the type of work I can show off or talk about. Next time I’ll probably talk about my cats.

I know that out for every BFP with symptoms IVF story, there’s a BFP without symptoms IVF story. I’m scared of not seeing two pink lines when I test later this week because I’m scared of falling apart again. How do we keep pushing on? How do we keep doing this?

All I can say is…

Fuck this shit, I'm going to Narnia

(That means back to work where I can focus my energy on scowling)

Ps My OTD is Friday. You can expect to find me here over the weekend.. crying on my keyboard. I just hope they’re tears of joy for once.

 

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I opened Pandora's box and infertility entered my life.

Tagged with: , , , , , ,
Posted in Infertility, IVF
15 comments on “IVF #2: two week wait, baby showers + no symptoms
  1. kiftsgate says:

    GET OFF GOOGLE!!! there is a positive and a negative story for every symptom or absence thereof… I know I’m a total hypocrite saying this since I myself read all of these stories during hours of crazy googling in my TWWs.. but I still have to tell you since it is not me waiting this time…
    I have been in that state so many times that I won’t be the one to tell you off or advise you to stay calmer. I’m sure you already know and I am seriously convinced the TWW crazies are strongly due to drugs and hormones. If we could stay calmer, we certainly would..
    Well done for surviving the baby shower! despite the annoying question.. I have the same problem with tea and small bladder.. we went on a 5-hour drive the other day and had to stop every half hour…
    I’ll be here over the week-end for those tears, which I really hope will be happy ones! Big big hug! xx

  2. Maybe going back to work will be a nice way to channel out your energy and let the rest do the ever nice tango!😊

  3. Holly E says:

    I agree that google will make you crazy. And just remember. NOT EVERYONE POSTS ONLINE. You’ll most likely see more negative than positive, people like to vent out the negative and don’t go into as many details for the positive.

    Pushing good thoughts your way!

  4. Stefanie says:

    I hear you, Friday just needs to get here. And we both damn well better be pregnant!

  5. Little Wife says:

    These two weeks waits are awfull. I hope there will be some joy tears on your keybord this weekend…

  6. Oh honey…This didn’t show up on my reader Grr. Anyway. ..I’m so sorry you’re feeling so shit. It’s impossibly hard and I know I’ll be joining you in a couple of days with the crazy.
    I’ve got the same bladder issue, so sore when needing to pee or peeing 😦
    And let me say you are an actual Saint for going…I know I’d feel the same if it was my sister, don’t know if have the strength. Be proud of yourself xxx
    And get off Google! It’s the devil! Xx

  7. I second that Google is the devil, but I have courted that devil too many times to expect you to stop visiting his evil lair…once he has his hooks in you it’s like quitting crack (I imagine).

    Amazed at you for weathering baby shower. Horrified by the clitoris story. Maybe I should google that…

    I had a lot of symptoms right after transfer that I relished—until I found out that every one of them was a symptom of some sort of bug that my mom had, too (she went to the transfer with me). You never know what the heck is going on during the 2WW….a nurse recently told me that she didn’t feel a bit pregnant until week 14. It’s so weird (and flummoxing) how different we all are, and how different each pregnancy is.

    Hoping hard for you!

  8. marwil says:

    I wish you happy tears this coming weekend. And you are a brave woman going to that baby shower! Those days leading up to OTD are so freaking hard. Big hugs. Somehow the days will go by even if an hour can feel like forever…

  9. I love your cartoon, made me smile. Might try asking my RE for a Narnia wardrobe prescription for my next cycle. I hope you can find little pieces of Narnia over the next few days even though I know it’s easier said than done. And I’m really, really hoping for tears of joy for you on Friday.

  10. Haisla says:

    Oh, I so feel for you and can totally relate to that TWW anxiety – it is so hard to remain positive and somehow it feels safer to hang onto the negatives, so as to protect one’s heart.. As you said though, it rarely helps, as the pain is still bloody panful.

    Sending many good and positive vibes your way and strength to resist Dr Google. Loved the little cartoon – f*ck this all indeed. Let’s all go visit Narnia for a while. I’m sure it would do anyone enduring the TWW a world of good!xx

  11. Wow! You are one strong soul to go to that baby shower. It sounds like you handled yourself well. Looking forward to hearing your good news soon.

  12. Thinking of you today and crossing everything!!! xoxo

  13. Smile says:

    Thinking about you today and hoping for the biggest most awesome positive there ever was…

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