I’m sorry I haven’t replied to comments on the last couple of posts or responded on Twitter. I haven’t been functioning like a normal human being. I’ve avoided talking about this BFP because I always thought I’d stop blogging with a BFP. I’m too conscious of what it feels like to be on the other side. However, I just about got out of the cold waters of infertility, only to find myself on a carnivorous island. The odds say I’ll be in the water again very soon, so I figured I’d write to let you all know what’s going on.
I never thought with my first ever BFP, I’d be sitting here waiting on an ectopic or miscarriage. Yes, I am glass half empty but it’s my way of protecting myself. I’ve thanked God everyday for the gift of pregnancy (the dent has gotten deeper on my prayer mat) but I haven’t celebrated. Every day I talk to this little being to tell it I love it, every night I read it Ayatul Kursi (protection prayer) – even if it’s unable to stay around long. I welcome it.
My fertile friends try to get me to be positive. They send me charts to show that low numbers are acceptable. Pretty big variation right? They say the doubling matters more than the number but there’s a study that shows numbers matter too. Quote “The median HCG concentration was 126 IU/l in viable pregnancies and 31 IU/l in non-viable pregnancies (P < 0.0001).” If you start with a number below 100 on 17dpo, it doesn’t bode well. Super Man tells me off by saying ‘It’s only one study!’
Of course there are the miracle stories (Jazmin left one on my last post – thank you!!) but there seem to be so few out on Google. Fertile Thoughts tweeted one earlier too.
I’d rather be realistic. The stories where numbers seem to catch up, still led to bad outcomes – blighted ovum or miscarriage around 8-9 weeks. I’m not sure if it’s related. I’ve also learned that ICSI betas can be slightly lower and that some women still had doubling betas with ectopics. Yet, at the same time you can have a high beta and it can still go wrong. Oh I don’t know!!! If I wasn’t mad before I officially am now.
Next Thursday I go for a scan. That’s when it’ll be big enough to detect (beta levels are usually between 1000-2000 when they can see something) and I’ll know my fate. In the meantime, Dr Oracle won’t let me have any more blood tests. We’ve done three. He’s pretty good at managing my expectations and hope levels. He didn’t forget to flag ‘The levels are still low for where we’d like to see them.’ So I’m sitting here fretting over my hcg levels falling without me knowing.
I’ve started to get light cramps – a stretching sensation. I wonder if the progesterone is the only thing sustaining this pregnancy. I’ve also been feeling a dull ache around my right side – near the ovary – and that worries me too (ectopic). My acupuncturist tries to reassure me by saying ‘You’re a creaky ship, adjusting to this.’
At first the tears were from a feeling of loss, now it’s fear.. fear that I’m really going to go through a miscarriage or ectopic. Fear for myself and my ability to cope with this. I feel like a time bomb. It’s funny to think if I didn’t have a beta, I’d be blissfully ignorant and hopeful now. I keep telling myself this..
Maktub. It is written. Whatever is written will happen and I don’t have any control of it. Whatever the outcome, there’s a lesson in this pregnancy. I plan to get it engraved on a bangle as a reminder to help me get through this.
The crazy thing is that in 3 weeks, it’ll be my 10th wedding anniversary. That in 2 weeks my baby niece is due. Watch me fall apart splendidly.
All I can say is..
Dear Rainbow, Please stay and be healthy.
Ps It’s time I take a break from posting and deal with this. I won’t be on Twitter either. I’ll be back once I’m ready. Thanks to you all for the prayers, good vibes, unicorn armies and fairies. I’ll be deploying my unicorn army for each of you. x