Last Christmas – a note to those grieving

Recently there have been quite a few ladies on Twitter facing failed fertility treatments and losses. We all know it’s a really tough time of year to be going through this. When my cycle failed late last November I felt like I was at the edge of a cliff staring down at an endless sea of depression. I mourned and spent a month indulging – shopping, eating whatever I wanted and generally comforting myself. I think most of us have been there.

Then one night I let all the negative energy out on one bizarre project.. rearranging the house and letting Christmas seep into the house again. At that point I realised that I needed to be in control again. That rearranging the furniture was my way of renewing things and taking control. Reflecting back on the time, I think it was actually a good thing that my husband was abroad for work because I had to rely on myself to lift my head above the water again. There’s truth in having to find the strength in ourselves.

We don’t know what will lead to a successful cycle – we can only try. A cycle for me is a renewed chance. So I decided to target the things I could do to put me in a better position for the next cycle while we saved up.

I wrote down things that I felt I needed help on:

– Nutrition because I was worried about my eggs. I kept blaming myself for the lousy 3 cell and 5 cell Day 3 embryos.
– Depression and belief in it ever working
– Circulation and exercise for endorphins as I felt so out of shape
– Reconnecting with my partner and getting my life back a bit

This led me to

1. Seeing a nutritionist and getting a seriously comprehensive plan for 5 months
2. Seeing a hypnotherapist who pointed out that belief wasn’t the issue but always expecting and preparing for the worst was. What happens if I allow myself to think that things could actually work out in the future?
3. Pilates
4. Tango

Doing all of this helped to distract me – to heal me before I was hit with cycle 2 and the challenges thereafter. I felt so much stronger and capable from it.

I guess I’m saying.. grieve and mourn because you need to but when you’re ready and feeling angry.. then pull on that strength in you to get you above the water too. Make a plan – whether it’s infertility related or not. You may not feel like it now but you’re stronger than you realise. A tigress.

Here’s to 2015 truly being your year


I opened Pandora's box and infertility entered my life.

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Posted in Infertility
11 comments on “Last Christmas – a note to those grieving
  1. TryTryAgain says:

    This is a brilliant post, so inspiring. Really lovely to hear such positivity, i really hope it works for you this time xx

  2. I think it is so true. I’m trying to get back on track with my own mind as well. I really liked the part when you wrote that we don’t know what leads to a successful cycle and we can only try. I guess that is it. Will try harder in 2015. Hope it will be for us by then

    • For me I needed to stop blaming myself, that’s why i did the extra little things so that i could say ‘I’ve done the best I can’ and let go. No regrets. It feels like it’s such a lottery – you really don’t know when or if luck will be on your side. That’s the hardest part – no guarantees. What a journey.

  3. Great post and such a good reminder.

  4. gsmwc02 says:

    Best wishes to you in 2015 and beyond.

  5. Lovely to read you again dear FD! Thank you for the wonderful reminder: we ARE tigresses, we ARE Godesses…. (Vera, hope you remember me).

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