Updated Jan 2014
A little about me..
I’m sliding into my 30s and married to a beautiful man. I call him Super Man Mr.Husband on this blog. We have beastly cats, a small earthly home in the UK and live a simple yet wonderful life. After many years of marriage, I opened Pandora’s box and infertility entered my life. In May 2012, I decided to start blogging about it because I needed a group of women and men who understood how distressing this process is. I’ve been lucky enough to find them and even luckier to see many of them make it across to other side.
Where I am in this journey..
Five Six years. Zero positives.
I’ve never seen a pregnancy test turn positive. I think that’s what hurts most. I think I may have conceived once in 2012 but it was lost far too early to be confirmed.
The journey has been something like this..
Told to ‘just have more sex’ –> Denial –> Stress –> Prolactin Issues –> Scant Periods –> Discovery of Polycystic Ovaries –> Hormone Tests –> A phase of becoming obsessive with Pee Sticks & Temp Charting –> Metformin (didn’t work) –> Husband faces issues with pressure & erectile dysfunction –> HyCoSy (all clear) –> Hellish waiting on the NHS –> Go back to work for my own sanity –> Boom get fast tracked to IVF cycle –> IVF cycle is a nightmare since only 3 out of 12 eggs fertilised and it fails.
All the stuff I’m doing to help it..
When I started this blog I was finishing up my job and planning to take some time off to slow down. It was the hardest yet the best thing I could for my body at the time. I went through a long period of processing the disappointments and the anger. Slowly I began to lose my self-esteem and other trying to conceive issues took over, so I sent myself back to work.
I blog about my relationship with myself, with Super Man and God. I blog about pain and hope. I blog hoping for change. I want to share what I learn along the way and to stop my mind from falling into a state of madness.I read and comment as much as I write. I like to not feel so alone on this journey, so do please say hello.
If you do think you might know me in real life.. ssshh.. this is my space to face these demons and I’d appreciate a bit of understanding.
M x
Fertility Doll was inspired by a trip to Paris, where I joked with a friend that I ought to rub up against the fertility statues in the Louvre. It’s also because I feel like a fertility doll – people keep falling pregnant around me (how dare they??)
Fertility Doll 
SInce I see no one has answered your Beta question I’ll let you in on the terminology, maybe you have figured it out theough so forgive me if that is the case.
Beta is the blood pregnancy test. There are 2 kinds, qualitative and quantatative. Qualitative is where they just give you a yes or no that you are PG, Quantatative is where they test for the actual numbers of the HCG(pregnancy hormone) in your blood. More than a 5 is pg and the numbers should double every 24-48 hours.
Thanks for explaining 🙂 I know there’s a bunch of stuff I’m yet to learn.
My pleasure! Feel free to harass me anytime with questions you may have!
I’ll hold you to that offer. Thank you again 😀
I am sending positive thoughts and hope your way! We started infertiity treatments last year, and now I’m holding my sweet, napping Noah on my chest. Such a blessing, made all the more incredible by the struggles we went through to get him here!
Thank you, Nicole ❤ That's a really sweet random well wish to leave – it came just at a time when I was hitted by two new pregnancy announcements. Noah is unbelievably gorgeous! Congratulations!
I came across your blog one day when googling medications as I have been on this trecherous journey for 20mths now. I began my own blog this past week, and I can’t express how empowering it has been for me. I can finally see some excitement in everything I am going through. I added your blog to my list of favorites so women who are searching for friends that understand can be connected to the masses. Here is my blog…. I haven’t been struggling as long, but it may just help you too to know your not alone. http://theinfertilehurdle.blogspot.ca/
Hi Lesleigh 🙂 Sorry for the late reply, I took some time out away from the blogosphere. Thanks for dropping by. I promise to read your blog tomorrow (I’m all sleepy eyed right now) and leave some love there. Thank you for reaching out – it really does help having a virtual network of fabulous women across the world to go through this with. I’m rubbish with my blogroll but I will update soon and place your link there too.
I feel for you Mina, I am also muslim, 30 years old and I already know, I have only 5-10% chance to concieve. Only?! I am optimistic and I believe there will be a muslim man who will marry me even with this condition. And I will have a child one day. Maybe. And if all that will not happen, I will keep watching the sunset above the sea, look at it with a brave heart and think, this is such a beautiful life, regardless and still and forever. May God strengthen our belief and stand by our side.
Salaam Zenjebil, I’m truly sorry to hear the journey you’re facing but I do believe that Allah (swt) can surprise us in the most wonderful ways. It is hard dealing with this and I can imagine your pain. I have found that the best way to cope with this is to accept it, that it is what it is. I can’t bargain or fight with God over this. Everything happens for a reason and maybe one day I’ll see that reason. I live in hope and yet try to stay grounded because life without hope is pretty bleak. As for meeting a man – there are incredible men out there who would do anything for love.
Thank you for the message lovely Mina. You know, these are really small things, but it is indeed very much comforting to receive sometimes even such short supporting lines across the net – I really appreciated your msg and wish you beautiful forthcoming years with all your dreams and hopes coming true!
Salam, Ive randomly come across this blog and some of these comments, I felt your comment was similar to what Im going through. Ive been in search of a muslim sister to speak to about this, as friends hardly ever understand. I know your post was around 2 years ago, but if theirs anyway of getting in touch, I would really appreciate a chat. Im 27 years old, single and was diagnosed with Premature ovarian failure when I was 21-22 with ‘no chance’ of having a children. Its been a very tough hard few years but alhamdulilah.
Walaikumassalam. You’re welcome to email me. Two years old but I’m still here. I’m so sad to hear your story. It’s such a hard journey. Please do email me fertilitydoll at gmail.com x
There is no such a thing as ‘no chance’. The official statement of premature ovarian failure is 5-10%, and the science of medicine is obscure. if Virgin Mary could have a child, why couldn’t we (don’t laugh! ;))…not if, I care, and most of the men don’t either. There are loads of stories of women with our diagnosis getting pregnant spontenously and doctors actually recommend for us getting contraception if we didn’t want children (officially!).
Be happy and relax. Life is fun,
zenjebil
Thank you for your cheerful words, they were much needed. 🙂
I recently read the book of Julia Indichova, the founder of the http://www.fertileheart.com/, which I found very interesting. I would like to send you a message from her:
‘Although we will use the term infertility in the resources of this website I place it in quotes here, because to me, there really is no such thing as infertility. In the decade and a half of teaching and learning and working intimately with hundreds of people I have yet to meet someone who was “infertile.”
I have met women and couples who for myriad of reasons had difficulty conceiving and giving birth to a biological child, but not because they were infertile. As I see it, they were facing this particular challenge, as I faced it almost 20 years ago, in order to grow stronger physically, emotionally and spiritually. Their bodies were not fighting them. They were protecting them and their future children from harm. Their fertility might have been dormant but very much alive.’
Good luck! 🙂
Btw great graphic design!
This made me smile 🙂 Thank you. It’s taken a long time to realise it but I agree. I think it’s about being in a settled, content and in a healthy state (both physically and mentally).
One of the hardest things for me is that I am getting periodically getting checked out (as money allows) and so far, no one has been able to tell me what’s wrong with me. It’s frustrating not knowing anything. Thank you for sharing your story. I am also trying to be more open because I feel like I shouldn’t talk about it. Infertility feels so taboo, and it shouldn’t, but it is. Ugh. Must overcome this.
Hi Lucy, Sorry it’s taken me so long to reply. It feels better when you talk about it because it helps process it all. I’m going to go catch up with your blog and see what’s been happening in your world lately.
HI…thank-you for stopping by my blog and liking my post. Going through infertility is so difficult and I felt so alone. I wish I had read your blog at the time. Wishing you hope, contentment, and happiness.
It was really good to read the post you wrote. It provides hope when it feels like hope is swiftly vanishing. Thank you for sharing.
I was told I have PCO even though I had none of the symptoms, too. Isn’t that weird? It’s as if you got the diagnose but you were still stuck without a solution/treatment. Hoping things work out for you!
I’m glad I’m not the only one whose husband’s penis broke at the mere thought of infertility.
Seriously – it was AWFUL. Thankfully we’re over that now.
[…] I’m sliding into my 30s and married to a beautiful man. I call him Mr.Husband on my blog. We have beastly cats, a small earthly home in the UK and live a simple yet wonderful life. After many years of marriage, I opened Pandora’s box and infertility entered my life. In May 2012, I decided to start blogging about it because I need a group of women and men who understood how distressing this process is. I’ve been lucky enough to find them and even luckier to see many of them make it across to other side. Read more… […]
I completely understand everything you are going through, as I am as well. Oddly enough, I found your website because I have given up on everything- traditional medicine, alternative medicine…I was googling “how to make a fertility doll” thinking hey, maybe voodoo will help. So you aren’t alone. It’s sad when you see everyone around you getting pregnant who should NEVER procreate and you are with your soul mate and can’t get a plus on a pee stick. So I know, believe me… I’m still making this damn doll. (;
Hey Jessica, It’s so nice that you stopped by. Even funnier that you read this after looking for voodoo dolls. I want to see what it looks like! You’ve inspired a section for voodoo dolls. Watch this space! Ps Hope to hear from you again 🙂
Thanks for sharing your story. I hope this cycle works for you. xx
I hope you are coping better now, and I’m sorry your latest entries are sad.
I’m a Muslim, trying to cope with infertility too and pray we are blessed with our heart’s desires soon.