I love you guys for rooting for me. I’ve been struggling to transform that energy into my own and the truth is that I can’t function. The only thing I can do is obsessively Google symptoms and hide my face in a pillow whilst shouting ‘This hasn’t worked.’ I spent my entire Saturday horizontal on the sofa. Since transfer I’ve been in a constant state of anxiety. The hypnotherapist I saw said that I tend to prepare for worst case scenario and stress myself out while I do. Maybe that’s what I’m doing by feeling this way about this two week wait. Preparing to fail so it doesn’t hurt so much.. except it always hurts as much.
I’ve tried distracting myself – Game of Thrones, puzzles, walks, friends and shopping but there’s no escaping it. I feel like I’m slowly slipping into despair as the dreaded test date is approaching. (Yeah I wasn’t going to mention it, to stop me from obsessing but it appears I’m capable of doing that myself.)
Insanely I went to my sister’s trendy baby shower in the heart of Soho today. Within the first hour, someone asked me if I was pregnant. Apparently peppermint tea and frequent loo runs = pregnancy. My bladder hasn’t been the same since egg retrieval. It’s painful if I hold pee so I’m constantly going.I was told horror stories about child birth. One lost her clit.. ouch.
On my second run to the loo, my sister followed and asked me if I was okay. Then it all came out ‘I don’t think I’m pregnant, why aren’t I feeling anything? There’s no spotting or cramps.. or anything. I just feel fake pregnant with my stupid progesterone boobs and now I have sari fat too coz I can’t stop eating!’
She comforted me and I felt awful for being such a negative nancy at her baby shower. I couldn’t help it though, afterall I was surrounded by fertiles. I tried to make conversation but preferred to be hidden in a plate of food. Whenever someone asks me what I’m up to these days, I really don’t know what to say. ‘I’m focusing on IVF’ would be the honest answer. I don’t exactly have the type of work I can show off or talk about. Next time I’ll probably talk about my cats.
I know that out for every BFP with symptoms IVF story, there’s a BFP without symptoms IVF story. I’m scared of not seeing two pink lines when I test later this week because I’m scared of falling apart again. How do we keep pushing on? How do we keep doing this?
All I can say is…
(That means back to work where I can focus my energy on scowling)
Ps My OTD is Friday. You can expect to find me here over the weekend.. crying on my keyboard. I just hope they’re tears of joy for once.