I’ve missed you all. I hope you’re all doing good. I look at my reader and thank the universe because it seems many of you now have babies. It’s been almost 2 years since Baby A entered the world. I have been so overwhelmed by motherhood that I haven’t been able to keep up with myself or with my friends. I’ve been pretty shitty. The birth was traumatic, more traumatic than I realised at the time and it triggered events such as not being able to breastfeed, feeling like a failure because of it and struggling to bond with my newborn. After being on such a high during pregnancy, I suddenly found myself drowning. I didn’t want to come here and moan.
I’m finally getting on top of it and waking up. Mainly because Baby A has finally learned to sleep through and I’ve been able to catch up on the sleep deficit. I can understand why they use sleep deprivation as a torture method. There’s a book I spotted in Waterstones about an apocalyptic virus that leaves people unable to sleep and dream. I chuckled at it because that felt like my reality for a very long time.
I owe a lot of posts here. I fully intend to catch up. I’m also returning for a selfish reason. Most of my mummy group friends are now having baby number 2 or trying. I remember saying to BB that I wouldn’t want to hold onto the infertility label, that once I had a baby I wanted to get rid of it. The problem is that when you don’t have a choice about how big your family will be, the label engraves itself onto your forehead. Given our fertilisation issues (and my new love for coffee), I very much doubt we’ll fall into the blessed category of having the second baby naturally. There’s more chance of the sleep apocalypse happening!!
IVF made me feel like a gambling addict. You pour loads of money and your soul into a chance. Hope becomes a drug… a product that people sell you. I’m definitely not ready to embark on it anytime soon. But here I am again to work through the emotions and work out whether I really want to try for another baby. And if I can’t or don’t, how will I make peace with it?