Waking Up

I’ve missed you all. I hope you’re all doing good. I look at my reader and thank the universe because it seems many of you now have babies. It’s been almost 2 years since Baby A entered the world. I have been so overwhelmed by motherhood that I haven’t been able to keep up with myself or with my friends. I’ve been pretty shitty. The birth was traumatic, more traumatic than I realised at the time and it triggered events such as not being able to breastfeed, feeling like a failure because of it and struggling to bond with my newborn. After being on such a high during pregnancy, I suddenly found myself drowning. I didn’t want to come here and moan.

I’m finally getting on top of it and waking up. Mainly because Baby A has finally learned to sleep through and I’ve been able to catch up on the sleep deficit. I can understand why they use sleep deprivation as a torture method. There’s a book I spotted in Waterstones  about an apocalyptic virus that leaves people unable to sleep and dream. I chuckled at it because that felt like my reality for a very long time.

I owe a lot of posts here. I fully intend to catch up. I’m also returning for a selfish reason. Most of my mummy group friends are now having baby number 2 or trying. I remember saying to BB that I wouldn’t want to hold onto the infertility label, that once I had a baby I wanted to get rid of it. The problem is that when you don’t have a choice about how big your family will be, the label engraves itself onto your forehead. Given our fertilisation issues (and my new love for coffee), I very much doubt we’ll fall into the blessed category of having the second baby naturally. There’s more chance of the sleep apocalypse happening!!

IVF made me feel like a gambling addict. You pour loads of money and your soul into a chance. Hope becomes a drug… a product that people sell you. I’m definitely not ready to embark on it anytime soon. But here I am again to work through the emotions and work out whether I really want to try for another baby. And if I can’t or don’t, how will I make peace with it?


I opened Pandora's box and infertility entered my life.

Posted in Uncategorized
6 comments on “Waking Up
  1. shellsta says:

    You are more than welcome to moan. I too struggled with not being able to bond due to not being able to breastfeed, and yet feeling to ashamed to admit it after I should be in love with the baby that took 4 years and 7 egg collections to create. I too am jealous of other mums falling pregnant minutes after their decision to expand their family, while mine is limited. It’s the sorts of feelings that only another person who has been through it could understand, I am more than happy to hear you rant about them so I don’t feel so alone.

    • I didn’t quite realise how much the exhaustion from ttc would affect how I felt after birth.It was as if my body was exhausted physically and mentally and labour pushed it over the edge. I guess we also have a crazy amount of hormones going on too. I felt like such a failure not being able to breastfeed. I don’t want you to go through it but I’m sure glad I’m not alone in experiencing it.

  2. Julie says:

    So much fun to see a post from you. I always feel like we are mirroring each other except you can translate exactly how I feel in words.

    Welcome Back!

    • I can’t believe I wasted almost 2 years being anti-social and not blogging. My way of coping with stress is shutting down but I end up feeling isolated for no good reason! You’re here, feeling similar emotions – I’m stupid for shutting down!

  3. Hello beautiful, welcome back to blogging. Sorry to hear you’ve had a tough time. Sleep deprivation totally sucks! My bub doesn’t sleep through yet but we cosleep so I can usually fall asleep quite quickly after she’s latched on. I’ve started a new blog now. It’s all about my new adventure with essential oils but you may remember me from my old blog positive pants ttc. If only I knew about old back when we were ttc and going through ivf. They definitely would have helped with the depression and ups and downs. Anyway we are trying again too. Only just recently decided I’m ready and would like #2. Hopefully the stars will align again and I’ll be blessed with another miracle. Looking forward to following your journey too. Xx

    • Funnily enough my little man keeps on getting colds and I thought maybe I should be giving him massages more to help boost his immune system. Thanks for writing ‘Natural solutions for immunity and childhood conditions’ – I’m going to look up some of the oils you suggest. I’m wishing you so much luck with trying again. I’ll deploy a unicorn army!

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Oh, what a power is motherhood, possessing
A potent spell. All women alike
Fight fiercely for a child.

~ Euripides, Iphigenia in Aulis, c. 405 B.C.

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