It’s almost been 10 days since I last blogged. I’ve been emotionally constipated but today I finally let it rip and cried until my heart started to hurt. I could feel the pain raw inside me.
I miss sex and I miss being happy. It’s a pretty shitty thing to be going through when it’s your anniversary. I’m trying to live my life and fill my days with wonderful and interesting activities. It’s like stuffing the gaping black void with things that only disappear into it. They provide superficial hits of happiness.
I started to arrange my 30th birthday party but then even that started to depress me. I’m throwing the type of party I wanted for a baby shower, not to celebrate my decreasing fertility and egg supply. Yeah, I’m totally failing at the whole glass half full thing.
Quite honestly I don’t know how I’m getting through my days, I just am. I might have stopped charting but it doesn’t make me any less aware of my cycle days or the signs. I feel like I’m watching each wasted cycle pass me by and that hurts.
I wish I could switch off the desire to be a mother. How do I switch it off?