Facing our 9 year wedding anniversary without a pregnancy in sight

It’s almost been 10 days since I last blogged. I’ve been emotionally constipated but today I finally let it rip and cried until my heart started to hurt. I could feel the pain raw inside me. 

I miss sex and I miss being happy. It’s a pretty shitty thing to be going through when it’s your anniversary. I’m trying to live my life and fill my days with wonderful and interesting activities. It’s like stuffing the gaping black void with things that only disappear into it. They provide superficial hits of happiness.

I started to arrange my 30th birthday party but then even that started to depress me. I’m throwing the type of party I wanted for a baby shower, not to celebrate my decreasing fertility and egg supply. Yeah, I’m totally failing at the whole glass half full thing.

Quite honestly I don’t know how I’m getting through my days, I just am. I might have stopped charting but it doesn’t make me any less aware of my cycle days or the signs. I feel like I’m watching each wasted cycle pass me by and that hurts. 

I wish I could switch off the desire to be a mother. How do I switch it off?

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I opened Pandora's box and infertility entered my life.

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27 comments on “Facing our 9 year wedding anniversary without a pregnancy in sight
  1. Kristin says:

    Oh dear. I feel like anything that I could say to you would seem cheap. Just know you’re not alone. I know how you feel. It’ll be 9 years for me and my hubs next month. I hear you.

  2. dogsarentkids says:

    Aw.. 2 more people doing this as long as me. I didn’t realize there were any of us left. Someone who has been trying a few years does NOT get it. I feel your pain. And I’m the same way with the signs. I have done this long enough to know I have EWCM, know when I have O pains, know when my boobs hurt. I’m not an idiot. Not charting doesn’t do much.

    • 3! Storkwhisperer just celebrated her 9th year anniversary too. It’s a hard place to be, all I can do is hope that this is making me a better and stronger person (I doubt that – if anything I feel bi-polar).

      Since I’ve stopped temping, I’ve naturally become more aware of what’s in my knickers. There’s no escaping the desire for pregnancy – time to accept this situation.

  3. Kat says:

    I wish I could help you… when I was pregnant with my little son at the age of 43, the docs calculated 1/27 chance for Down syndrome. Then, when standing among people I was counting them to see how many makes 27… I felt the pain I thought those feel who can’t have a baby.
    I think you are still young… You see I was 43 -and there was no Down syndrome at all. Being an Aviva instructor I practiced the dance twice a week and still, further I’m and was very aware of my diet. In my group 3 girls fell pregnant lately. If you really want it, don’t give up following one thing that brought success for others. You need to give it half year at least.
    I wish it won’t last that long for you!
    Health & Joy.
    Kat

    • That’s a very inspiring story and one to kick me out of my self-pity bubble back into action. I need to truly dedicate time to Aviva and I really do believe in it. However, the last time I did it, it triggered mid-cycle bleeding so I’m wondering if I need to do it with a little less oomph.

      Thank you for the 6 month advice – I had no idea how long it could take. I’ll get back to it. I’ve already switched my diet but recently I lapsed back into the caffeine and sweet things mode. I’m going to get strict on myself again.

      Thanks so much, Kat. I needed some Aviva motivation and you just gave it.

  4. knalani says:

    Back when I was single, I used to be able to turn off my ‘desire-to-be-a-mom’ by walking around the toy section of target on Saturday…Worked like a charm.

    Haven’t tried it post IF, though. I sort of doubt it would still work.

    • The last time we went to a toy store, my husband got all emotional and weepy. I wish that would work! I might offer to babysit my nephew and one of his friends one night, they’re five years old and mad. I think that, along with a 6am start might work! 😉

  5. redbluebird says:

    I know those “cry until your heart hurts” days. Or until my face is so red and blotchy I know I won’t be able to look normal at work the next day.
    I’ve wished several times I could just be one of those people who don’t want kids. Or the ones who say they could go either way. But I’m their opposite. You know what really sucks? When those same “I don’t think I want kids” people end up pregnant. I have a couple of those in my life right now.
    I hope for happier days ahead for you. And happy anniversary, by the way!

    • Thank you for the anniversary wishes. I hope for happier days too and your last post motivated me to stop the sympathy eating (I started on gluten and caffeine again). I also hope you’re starting to enjoy your pregnancy and that you’re allowing yourself to daydream. I plan to continue following you so don’t feel guilty about sharing your news. 🙂

  6. marwil says:

    Sending you warm big hugs, I hate that it has to be this way for so many. I wish you could feel happy and light during your anniversary, you deserve that.

    • Big hug in return. It’s ok, this is all part of the journey and I do have really calm days. I guess this outlet is the only place that I can break down because in reality I’m all smiles and strength in front of others. I hope you’re keeping well. I read your posts when I’m at work but my stupid iPhone app won’t allow me to comment on them. I hope your scan went well x

  7. LisaB says:

    Aww hun, I am thinking of you xxxx

  8. Β. 'Ατακτη says:

    Have you tried meditation? I find it helpful as it takes my mind of infertility. If you have time, read my last blog entry. May you find the power to smile again soon.

    • Please leave a link to your blog here for me – I keep losing it (I really need to set up a reader). My meditation seems to be reading books, I know it’s not the same but it’s the only way I switch off. Even during prayer, my mind races like crazy. I’m really bad at switching off.

  9. theauthoress says:

    I wish there was something to be done. I haven’t been trying as long as you but last year when I realized that another birthday was coming and I was still not a mom… I cried for days. (If I had known then that the following year it would be exactly the same… Well, thankfully I didn’t!)
    I decided that to fight these feelings I would do 1 new thing each day until my by birthday that month… the 30th. My husband, some close friends, and I tried new foods & restaurants (Ethiopian, Mongolian), we watched movies I had never watched before, we did things I had never done before (Wal-Mart at midnight?!)… and so on. Ultimately none of these things give you what you want or solve the problem. But they did give me something to look forward to and to celebrate/rejoice over. Looking back it saved me from having a horrible birthday. Now I have happy memories.
    I am praying for you – for comfort and peace of mind. Love xx

    • Oh my.. I don’t even think about turning 31 and being in the same place lol

      That’s a great way to pull yourself to the 30th mark. I like the idea of doing something new everyday. Maybe I will continue with the party planning and keep myself busy with that as a project.

      I refuse to cry around my 30th! Actually I promise myself not to.

      Thank you for the prayers – I make them for you too. x

  10. elaaisa says:

    I think you should be extremely proud of yourselves for this wedding anniversary. So many people break up because of infertility problems and at least you’re still together. I don’t have a solution for feeling happier or forgetting the desire to have kids. Maybe looking for something fun to do together would help. Sending you a big hug!

    • Thank you for the big hug! Virtual hugs are very much appreciated. I know we’re lucky to have made it to 9 years and so many people don’t but we both feel like our third piece is missing. |> <- like two points that need the tip.

      • elaaisa says:

        I know. I haven’t been married for 9 years but I do feel the absence of the missing pieces. As you say, hopefully it’ll be our turn soon!

  11. I’m sorry you are feeling so low. My husband and I just celebrated our 9 year anniversary as well. It definitely hurts not to have any children but it helps to have each other. Thinking of you lots.

    • Happy Anniversary! It’s a strange place to be isn’t it? Well I hope both you and I see the end of this journey in the next year. How wonderful would it be to be pregnant or giving birth for the 10 year mark? Every now and again I let myself daydream. Yet, you are right.. it is still a blessing to have each other. Thinking of you too and hoping that you’re keeping well.

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