Inconceivable hit the nail on the head when she wrote ‘For the first time, I’m actually afraid of what the next year might bring.’ Recently I’ve been hit so badly by anxiety that I’ve forgotten how to celebrate life. I am so angry that I’ve forgotten how to communicate with my loved ones. I am so lost that I don’t know what direction to follow.
The only way I’m going to battle this is by doing and not thinking. Moving without analysing. Living without expecting. I want to shout out ‘This is my year‘ and run into battle shining positivity but in all these years a positive mindset hasn’t led to a single positive pregnancy test. 2013 stole my faith in ever falling pregnant.
I need to embrace my life to feel alive again and calm my mind. I need me back. That’s my starter for 10.
So here’s what’s ahead:
- Work & IVF/ICSI #2: I’m not going to make any decisions about the next IVF cycle and quitting my job until my mind has calmed. I’ll make a decision at the end of January. I love where I work, the last time I quit my job I felt even more lost while I waited on the miracle to occur. It’s too big of a decision to make while my mind is wild.
- Reducing alternative therapies: I need to reduce the cocktail. I’m quitting NAET and Bio Resonance – mainly because I don’t understand them fully. I’m sure they’ve helped but I feel like I’m bouncing between therapists too much. I’m keeping acupuncture because it’s amazing.
- Exercise: I’m switching out Aviva Method for Yoga (due to not having the space and the fact that Aviva Method seems to bring on mid-cycle bleeding for me). I’m also going back to tango because my periods were better when I was dancing. I think I need the circulation from exercise but I have to be careful about prolactin levels.
- Managing TTC stress: Prayer, hypnotherapy and Headspace meditation.
- Nutrition: Before Christmas I went to see Melanie Brown, a fertility nutritionist, If ditching the nasties is my diet will make a difference to my hormones and egg quality it’ll be so very worth it.
Whatever happens by the end of 2014, I hope I’ll be in a place of acceptance and peace by knowing that I truly did the best I could. I hope it for all of us.