I’m back to the keyboard to verbally puke up all the thoughts and feelings swimming in my body. So, as most of you know, another friend is pregnant. We’ve been friends since we were 17 and her husband is BFFs with Super Man. Apparently Super Man felt sick for the past week because he was hiding it from me and was trying to figure out the best time to tell me. Our friends have also kept it quiet because they weren’t sure how to break it to me. Unfortunately I don’t think there is a right time.
After my scan this morning, we sat down in the hospital café and he told me. My immediate reaction was ‘It was only a matter of time. I might cry… sorry.’ Then I didn’t cry, all I could do was say ‘It was only a matter of time.’
To make it worse, Super Man’s 83 year old gran called and took upon herself to remind him that he’s the last in the family line (the last male…he has all female cousins). No pressure there then!
So then POW! I started to feel like God had forgotten me… again (for the gazillionth time). I cried a little and managed to splutter out why I was crying and reassured Super Man that I’m fine with the pregnancy. However, then I thought about how she probably just had her heartbeat scan and all I could think about how I have and would give so much to be able to hear my baby’s heartbeat. I cried even more.
I put on my smiling mask and text my friend to congratulate her and say I’m super happy for her. I was fine until I got a reply that outlined symptoms and that we’d be special in the baby’s life. All I could think was ‘I can’t do this.’
Every year I’m greeted with another pregnancy to support.
Every year I end up in baby shops buying toys and clothes for someone else’s child.
Every year I’m bombarded with cute newborn pics and sentimental messages.
I recalled how I received news of my sister’s pregnancy before my last cycle, the feeling of having her show me a pregnancy app just after my cycle failed and how I was quietly fighting depression. Now I’m in cycle 2 and I’ll be facing the birth. My mind just kept focusing on the fact that I could be in another cycle when my friend’s baby is born… that I’ll have to see her after this and talk pregnancy when I’m likely to be broken. I could feel that horrid feeling of anxiety just creep all over me.
I lay in bed restlessly for an hour and then I decided I had to stop thinking because I don’t want this cycle to be sabotaged by negative emotions. This isn’t the first, nor will it be the last time this type of news hits me. We’re at the age where everyone’s having babies. I have no idea how I’m going to cope or deal with it all but I don’t want to think about tomorrow.
So, I’m choosing to only focus on today and holding onto the faith that ultimately everything will work out how it’s supposed to. Slamming the door on misery, disappointment and heartache.
In other news – cycle update:
New consultant is my new favourite person. We’ll be calling him Dr Oracle here because he predicted when my period was due and got it spot on. He declined giving me lottery numbers. He also apologised profusely when doing the endo scratch because I acted like I was dying (it was bloody painful having the specula inserted) and he did my blood test by himself. He’s like a one stop baby making shop! I love him. After being on the NHS and being passed between random consultants and nurses, it’s so nice being looked after by just one person.
P.s The pregnant friend is the one that did the fertility dance in my living room. It was supposed to be for me but obviously the magic worked for her instead. So stand up and all together now..