So many changes.

First of all, sorry I haven’t replied to comments and that I’ve been silently lurking. I will get to the comments soon. December has been a time of reflection. A week away from my period and I’m left thinking about the 12 cycles that have passed this year. It didn’t help that a friend decided to send me a Christmas card with her gorgeous one year old in a cute Christmas outfit on it. I had to look up at the sky and say ‘Really?’ This month I feel like I’ve downed a cocktail of sadness and hope.

I received a job offer last week, for full time work. I didn’t expect it and I start tomorrow.  A new job before Christmas. I should be pleased.. I mean I am pleased.. but I’m worried that my health will slip again. I’ve only just managed to get my periods healthy again. On the other hand, I can’t sit around because it’s driving me mad now. I’m pushing myself to function like a ‘normal’ woman and I just hope this doesn’t backfire on me.

The Dr’s finally referred me to the fertility specialists. Some time over the next couple of months, I should go for a HSG. I can’t believe I’ve had to wait a year for this. It’ll be nice to get some sort of answers.

My acupuncturist (who I really trust) is leaving and Thea is taking a break from work which means I feel like my support system is disabled. Too many changes at once. I keep telling myself I’m strong enough to cope. 

I’m holding onto faith, taking each day as it comes and trying to accept that a miracle might happen or I might never get to be a parent. I need to be ok with both. I’m caught between wanting to fight and wanting to let go. Letting go is the hardest.

So here’s to 2013 and all the prayers we make as we enter it.

x

P.s Oh the sweet irony of Ave Maria playing on my Spotify – the album is titled ‘Classics for your pregnancy’… banging head.  

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I opened Pandora's box and infertility entered my life.

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6 comments on “So many changes.
  1. Birthmuse says:

    Much love to you… And together, let’s throw the rest in the fire!!! xxxxxxx

  2. LisaB says:

    Big hugs xoxo I’m thinking of you! I hope everything starts falling together, as you deserve!

  3. marwil says:

    To be ok with both is really hard, I know what you mean by that. It’s a tough journey but I’m glad you might get some answers soon.
    In the meantime I hope your new job will give you a sense of achievement. Congratulations!

    • It’s a sense of moving forward and I can lose myself in tasks but I still return home with a heavy heart. Nothing but a child is going to soothe this is it? I want to keep positive, I’m constantly praying just to emotionally keep myself balanced.. to keep my head above the water.

      I wish for a miracle for all of us in 2013. I really do. x

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Oh, what a power is motherhood, possessing
A potent spell. All women alike
Fight fiercely for a child.

~ Euripides, Iphigenia in Aulis, c. 405 B.C.

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